Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts

Saturday, January 9, 2016

A Mother's Intuition

I'm by no means a pro at this motherhood thing.  It's been roughly six years since I became pregnant with my oldest.  But even from her conception I've had a voice communicate with me from deep inside.  As I've grown in my faith I've come to recognize this voice as the Holy Spirit.  While I'm still learning to let Spirit guide me in every day life, I definitely receive strong guidance when it comes to my kiddos.  Sure there are times when I act on uneasy feelings and it ends up not being anything but I've learned to always listen.

During my pregnancy with Emberlynn I had an uneasy feeling about delivering in the hospital and being induced.  There were mental red flags that I ignored because I was doing what I thought I was supposed to.  I mean seriously, who just goes and has a home birth without being able to justify such a controversial decision?  Well my intuition was right.  Her delivery was less than ideal and the recovery was long and slow.  Thankfully my little bundle of joy was perfectly healthy but I paid the price for not listening to that inner voice.

With Zoe we've had two instances when she was sick and something told me she needed to be seen even though others didn't think she was "that sick".  Both times my baby ended up being hospitalized for four days.

Now we face yet another test of my mother's intuition.  From the beginning I've felt that our new little blessing on the way is a boy.  All of my pregnancy symptoms have been different.  I've felt completely different.  And all that aside, I just have this feeling that I'm carrying a boy.  But here's the catch, the ultrasound tech said girl!  Mentally I just can't commit to calling this baby a girl.  We've toyed with the idea of having another ultrasound but are still on the fence.  Regardless of what we decide, I know come April we will know for sure whether we are being blessed with another daughter or our first son.  The anticipation almost feels like torture some days.  But then I remind myself how quickly pregnancy passes and soon enough I'll know.

I say all of that to tell any new mom's reading this to please trust your gut!  You know your kid better than anyone else.  You know what the right decision is.  So drown out all of those external voices.  Ignore the criticism.  Believe in yourself.  God has given you these specific children for a reason and he will guide you in raising them.  Much love and God bless.

Friday, January 1, 2016

No New Year Resolutions for Me!

Yep...you read that right.  I'm not making any new year resolutions.  No list of tasks to check off.  Instead, at the leading of a great friend, I took a One Word Theme devotional on the YouVersion app.  For the whole year my focus will be on this one word.  My hope is that I will step out of God's way, truly surrender control to Him, and enjoy the journey.

What is this "one word" I will be focusing on, you ask?  Calm.  Calm is my word for the year.  While I have an idea why God would choose this word for me, I'm not going to focus on any of that.  Instead I want to gain my understanding straight from the source, not based on my own understanding.  Why?  Because let's face it.  I struggle to see myself the way that the Bible says God sees me.  I'm insecure, fearful and often negative.  If I focus on why I think God gave me this word I'm sure I will miss out on what God has in store for me in the year to come.

Honestly, while I know there will be challenges (that's just life), I'm looking forward to the lessons and God moments that are in my future.  Every day is a new opportunity for God to teach me and use me for His glory.  And I will strive to thank Him for these opportunities every day.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

A New Chapter

I've had this blog for some time now.  I've gone through phases of regular posting and phases of no posting.  In fact, it's been almost a full year since my last post.  Over the years this little blog of mine has gone through lots of changes as I've grown and changed.  It started out as a chaotic ramble.  Many times I've attempted and promised to be consistent and more mature about what I post.  I've even considered deleting this blog and starting over but I love my blog name too much for that.

So now as yet another year is coming to a close I make yet another attempt to salvage my beloved blog.  My life has changed quite a bit since my last post.  Whose life doesn't change over the course of a year?  Instead of a long, tedious update I simply want to say that my goal for 2016 is weekly posting.  What I post will vary.  I'm sure I'll talk about parenting, my walk with God, marriage and just life in general.

This time I make no promises, after all would they mean anything anymore anyways.  I just need to regain my outlet.  I need something for me.  I look forward to the journey ahead.  As always, God is in control.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

It's Make or Break Time...

This blog has set very neglected for far too long.  It's time for that to change.  I know I've made similar statements in the past but the time is now.  I'm taking on so many changes in my life right now that I need to get back into the blogging groove.

It's been nearly three months since I updated all of you lovelies.  Here it goes...

December:
Hubby finished his retraining for work and finally got back in his lovely blue uniform.  He also started full time and finished his first semester back in school.
Zoe had surgery to remove her dermoid cyst.  Just when we thought the journey was over she got a staph infection inside the incision and she was hospitalized for four days.  This caused me to spend my first night away from Emberlynn.  We rang in New Years in the hospital.

January:
The new year stirred something in me.  I have decided that enough is enough.  It's time to stop just talking, dreaming and wishing for things to change and time to actually start doing something about it.  I decided 2014 will be a year of purpose and improvement.  I started with a challenge to read a chapter of Proverbs a day in January.  I was successful and have carried the challenge on to the rest of the year.  I already have the entire year of Bible reading planned out and am very excited.  I've also been reconnecting with God.  For some time I put a guard up that had no place in my life.  I was so scared of being vulnerable but the consequences are too much.  I've re-devoted my life and am striving to cut out all of the unneeded in my life and focus on him.  I also began The Respect Dare with my Wives of Faith group.  We are over halfway done and the impact is amazing.

February:
Can't believe we are almost two months into the new year.  This has been a month of internal struggle.  Taking on The Respect Dare opened myself up to attacks from Satan.  As you can imagine, Satan does not want to see my relationship with God restored and my family united.  All I have to say is too bad.  While I am still very much a work in progress, I can feel the stirring of the Lord.  After we are done with The Respect Dare next month I plan to go straight into The Love Dare for Parents.  I've been blessed to be able to be a wife, a mother, and to stay at home with my children.  It's time I appreciate those blessings.

I haven't yet decided what kind of blogging schedule I want to follow.  I need to sit down and work some things out.  It feels good to feel like me again but a better me.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

A Footprint in the Sand.

As I walked along the beach this morning collecting sea shells for my toddler, a man passed me.  Once he was past me I happened to focus in on one of the footprints he left behind just before the ocean slipped in and washed it away.  I was suddenly struck with thoughts of how God forgives us.  He sent his son to shed his blood to literally wash our sins away like the ocean washed away that footprint.  Just like the ocean leaves no trace of footprints in the sand, our sins are forgotten.  It is us who keep remaking footprints of sin.  Over and over again God is willing to wash them away and throw them into the sea of forgetfulness.
He does this because he is our father and he loves us.  It is an amazing love.  A love we are without question, undeserving.  It is almost magical in a way but even better since we can choose to make it our reality.  It is our gift to be able to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  It is our responsibility to surrender our sins, worries, fears, struggles, etc. to God.  We must submit ourselves to his plan to enjoy all of the benefits of being a child of God.  It's something I can easily admit I struggle with but I can also easily say that being a child of God is worth the personal struggles.
Today's moment made me realize I have some kinks to work out in myself.  I need to work on my personal relationship with God and getting my priorities in order.  I'm sure this is just the beginning of a journey to improve myself for myself.
I love it when seemingly mundane tasks because marvelous moments of learning and understanding God's love and promises.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Seven Months.

Yes, my sweet Zoe is seven months old today.  She is a joy.  She's feisty like big sister but in her own way.  She loves food!  And is still trying to figure out crawling.  However, she still figures out how to get where she wants to go.  Things are running much smoother, most of the time.  Some days naps work out just right and some days they are a mess.  Such is life.

We are nearing the end of this deployment.  They've been given a date but told not to share it with anyone outside of their location.  So it seems there won't be much of a count down until he's back stateside.

We are also moving a week from today.  Finally we're getting back into our own space.  I will be forever grateful for what my father has done for my family but I am ready to be out on our own again.

I wish I had more to say but the baby is getting fussy and it's almost time to feed her and put her down for her first nap.  Much love to all.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Coming clean.

For weeks now I've had all these blog ideas bouncing around in my mind. I've even sat down to type them out before and the baby always seems to wake up the moment I get comfy. I want to post about the girls and all their new milestones and funny stories. I want to be open and honest about how I'm handling this deployment. I've thought of a couple of topics I'm passionate about and would like to get off my chest. And eventually I'm sure I'll get to write all those posts but right now there is something I just need to put out there. I pride myself in being transparent with the wonderful people who read my blog. What I'm about to say I've told very few people.

I think I am struggling with postpartum depression.

Whew I said it. Now don't get my wrong. I have no thoughts of harming myself, my children or anyone else. I really don't even feel 'depressed' per say. I just often spiral into overwhelming, irrational anger. I have outbursts, particularly with my toddler, that are uncalled for and out of line. I've been praying and trying to work on myself but it will be a long road to break what has now become a bad habit. I know this is not the mother I want to be or am called to be. I also know God is bigger than any imbalance in my brain. At this time I am not seeking counseling or medication. I don't feel I am to that point although I don't think counseling would hurt. I will try to update y'all periodically. Wish me luck.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

How I Did Last Year:

These were my goals last year...

1. To breastfeed at least until Emy's first birthday, maybe longer. - We're still breastfeeding at 14mos.
2. Pastor Eddie challenged us to read at least one book a month.  I plan to accept that challenge and will try to blog about each book to keep myself accountable. - At this I failed but plan to try again this year.  I've compiled a reading list in hopes that it will help.
3. Yet again, my goal is to read at least one bible verse daily.  Ideally, I'd like to read the Bible through in a year but if I start small, maybe I stand a better chance of following through. - I also failed at this but have purchased a One Year Bible so I'll have a schedule to follow.
4. To follow the weekly cleaning schedule I set up before Emy was born. - Our move threw this all out of whack but I've created a new one to follow this year.
5. To make a weekly menu and follow it which will involve cooking more meals at home and eating out less.  As a breastfeeding mom, I need to be more conscious about what I eat. - Uhg.  Another fail.  Try again this year.
6. To figure out some kind of exercise routine.  My true goal is to buy some of those shape up shoes (or something equivalent) and walk three times a week.  I have never exercised regularly and I think now that I am a mom, its a good time to change that. - Walking didn't work out.  I have new plans for an exercise routine this year and am hopeful.
7. To take my vitamin daily.  Since I am breastfeeding, I am supposed to continue taking my prenatal vitamin and well I am horrible at remembering.  That needs to change. - For a few months I failed miserably but I've gotten back on track.
8. To brush my teeth twice daily.  I've always brushed my teeth in the morning but I always forget at night. - Still need improvement.
9. To watch television less.  Since I am at home all day now, the television is almost always on.  That just can't be good for my brain so I need to pick how much time I will allow myself daily and stick to it. - Needs work.
10. To set a regular date routine with hubby.  It wasn't a priority when it was just us but with Emberlynn in our lives now, we need to make sure we set aside time for just us. - Definitely did not keep up with.  We did good the first three months but then Emberlynn started refusing the bottle and since she still breastfeeds so frequently, dates nights without the little one really weren't possible.  Since we currently have no plans to wean, I'm not sure when we'll pick this back up.
11. To be more consistent with Emy's bedtime routine.  We have started one but we need to be more consistent about it now that Emy is starting to get older. - Again, things went well til the move.  We need to revise this.
12. To drink at least one bottle of plain water (not the flavored water I love) daily.  I have never been a water drinker but I really need to be. - Did well for awhile.  Needs to be picked back up.

As you can see I did not do so well last year.  We faced some stressful circumstances and my best intentions got pushed to the back burner.  However, It's a new year.  Some of these goals will repeat (well most of them) but that's life.  I should always strive to do better in the area's of my life that need improvement.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Time to come clean...

I know that I haven't been posting lately and I'm sorry.  Actually I'm not even sure there is anyone out there reading my blog anymore but if there is then I apologize for not being around.
Truth is, I'm having a really hard time lately.  I don't know how much I've posted here but we are currently living with my father because of financial reasons and I am having a horrible time adjusting.  My father and I are not close and we are spending a lot of time butting heads.  I am feeling constantly judged and criticized.  I'm really struggling emotionally.  My confidence and esteem are shaky at best but until things turn around for us, we're stuck.  Of course the 'stuck' feeling doesn't help matters.
I think I've been absent from here because I'm feeling so lost in my life right now.  I wasn't sure if or what I wanted to share but I've decided it's best to just put it all out there.  I feel I may be suffering from depression or at least on the slippery slope down.  Rest assured, I will not repeat my mistakes of the past.  I do not feel suicidal nor am I interested in harming myself or anyone else.  I'm just feeling disrespected, unappreciated and drained.
I do believe it is affecting my role as a wife and mother and I am desperately trying to keep myself together enough to be strong for my husband and child.  I'm trying to lean on God and find my inner strength but I'm sure you all know how hard that can be sometimes.  I'm hoping I can get through this difficult phase of life without seeking professional help or medication.  I do not judge those who turn to medication but it makes me extremely nervous to take it myself.
I truly believe that once we get back out on our own, things will get better and I will begin to feel like myself again.  I just have to hold out and know that God has good plans for me.  This trial is temporary and will end.  I have to trust myself and know that as long as I am following God and my heart, I am a good mother and wife.  I have to ignore the judgement and criticism.  I believe whole heartedly in the way I am choosing to raise my child.  While others may have good advice for me, it is time I stand up for myself and refuse to be talked down to.  If the people in question cannot find a respectful way to give advice, I want nothing to do with it.  I deserve to be treated better.  If they want to be a jerk then I don't have to listen.
So that is what is up with me.  I can't promise I will get better anytime soon but I'm definitely working on it.  October was a busy month for our family with hubby's birthday, Emberlynn's first birthday (yes my baby turned one, can you believe it?!?), and our wedding anniversary.  Look forward to three special posts.  One for Emberlynn's birthday, one for our anniversary, and one for Halloween.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Yesterday...

Was an emotional day full of ups and downs.
This post might get a little long so bear with me.

First of all it was the five year anniversary of my first date with the hubby.  Five years may not seem long to many but considering I'm only twenty-one and hubby is twenty-three, I'd say it's pretty special.  We didn't do anything to celebrate but it was definitely a good feeling.  It's only about five months til our three year wedding anniversary.  I love him so much!

It was the six year anniversary of the death of two wonderful young ladies I went to high school with.  I truly believe heaven got two new angels the day they went home.  They are so loved and missed.  We will always remember Hope and Lori.  I know I will see them again someday.

It was the last youth service for the first freshman Sunday School class I taught by myself.  That's right, my kiddos are graduating.  It was an emotional night.  I know God has wonderful things in store for them.  A whole new chapter of their lives is before them and I know they will all do great as long as they continue to let God guide them.

My beautiful baby girl also started crawling yesterday.  She is seven months old today and is officially mobile.  It's amazing how fast it feels the time has gone.  I wish it would slow down a little.  I already miss her newborn days.

This next point might be TMI so read on with caution but it definitely makes a difference on how I felt yesterday.  Aunt Flo returned for the first time in sixteen months.  Yes I said sixteen months.  She hadn't been an issue since January of 2010 (the month I got pregnant with my dear little Emberlynn).  It's one of the perks of breastfeeding.  Needless to say, my hormones made yesterday that much more emotional.  Plus with the cramping and a baby that wouldn't nap, it was an exhausting day.  Thankfully, Emy is napping better today because I feel like crap.  I definitely did not miss Aunt Flo but all good things must come to an end I guess.

If you made it all the way through this post, thank you.  I just needed to get everything out.  Hope everyone else is doing well!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I'm a big girl now.

No this is not about my daughter.  She is only five months old so we haven't started having those issues yet.  This post is about me.  About my struggle with certain family members to accept me and respect me as an adult.
I just don't know how to go about confronting them.  Well maybe 'confront' isn't the right word.  I don't want to be aggressive.  I want to be exactly the opposite.  I want to be able to be vulnerable around them.  I know that they love me and that all they want is what is best for me.  I understand that and I am glad that they care but it is no longer their job to try to protect me.  I am a big girl now.  I've been married for two and a half years and I'm a mother.  I just wish that they could step back and respect me as an adult.  At this point in my life I am beyond tired of people telling me how I should live.  Especially now that I am getting all kinds of unwanted parenting advice (from strangers, not from family).  I was never a crazy rebellious teenager and I think I've molded into a fairly grounded adult.  I just need my family to support me.  I need to feel like I can confide in them.  Up to this point I have always felt the need to be on the defensive around them and its exhausting.  During a simple conversation with my sister yesterday I broke down into tears.  It was ridiculous and I felt so stupid.  All of the stress in my life is really getting to me these days.  I probably didn't always need to be on the defensive but I think it was my way of protecting myself and now I realize the damage that has been done.  I try to confide in them and there is so much they don't know because I kept it all to myself.  I look around and see all of these wonderful sister relationships or all of the wonderful father-daughter relationships and I want that.  I want to feel like I can tell my father and sister anything and won't be judged.  I realize that a lot of my opinions are not mainstream and I know that at times they think I am crazy.  I'm okay with that because I like who I am and I am okay if they don't agree with me.  I'm not expecting them to agree, that really would be crazy.  Families do not always have to agree, sometimes they just have to agree to disagree.
I'm not saying that I have horrible relationships with my father and sister.  I just know they could be so much better if I felt secure enough to confide in them.  To let them in more on my life.  I just wish that when I tried I wasn't faced with such harsh judgment most of the time.  Or what feels harsh to me anyway.  Who knows, maybe I'm more sensitive than I think.

Friday, March 11, 2011

When did we all grow up?

We just got home from visiting my family in Oklahoma.  I got to see cousins that I hadn't seen in quite awhile.  I couldn't help but sit there in the midst of craziness (which is kind of how it is when the family all gets together) and wonder when we all grew up.  I would look around and the cousins that I remember as babies are now teenagers.  And I'm sure my older cousins could wonder the same thing while they met my child for the first time.  It was just so surreal.  In just a couple of years, one of my closest cousins will be moving in with us to start college.  College!  And her little sister, who I held the day she was born, will be starting high school.  Its so crazy how fast the time has gone by.  I'm a mother now.  I have started the adult chapter of my life.  Here at home it really doesn't cross my mind often but while visiting family, it was all I could think about.

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year and New Possibilities...

A new year has begun.  I couldn't remember if I made any resolutions last year so I went back through my blog and found this post.  Guess things didn't go so well.  I kept up the Bible reading for awhile and I established the cleaning schedule but once Emy came along, that too fell to the bottom of the priority list.  Now that we have survived the newborn phase and a routine is very slowly establishing itself, I have hope that this year can be better.  Could it end up the same as any other time I've made these goals?  Sure.  But this year its not really about me.  I now have a new little person in my life who needs me.  And not just to meet her physical needs.  She needs me to try to be the best me I can.  Good or Bad, she will spend her entire life looking to me as an example.  It would be in my best interest to better myself before she can remember or understand.
So here is to a new year.  Twelve small goals that could make a world of difference!
1. To breastfeed at least until Emy's first birthday, maybe longer.
2. Pastor Eddie challenged us to read at least one book a month.  I plan to accept that challenge and will try to blog about each book to keep myself accountable.
3. Yet again, my goal is to read at least one bible verse daily.  Ideally, I'd like to read the Bible through in a year but if I start small, maybe I stand a better chance of following through.
4. To follow the weekly cleaning schedule I set up before Emy was born.
5. To make a weekly menu and follow it which will involve cooking more meals at home and eating out less.  As a breastfeeding mom, I need to be more conscious about what I eat.
6. To figure out some kind of exercise routine.  My true goal is to buy some of those shape up shoes (or something equivalent) and walk three times a week.  I have never exercised regularly and I think now that I am a mom, its a good time to change that.
7. To take my vitamin daily.  Since I am breastfeeding, I am supposed to continue taking my prenatal vitamin and well I am horrible at remembering.  That needs to change.
8. To brush my teeth twice daily.  I've always brushed my teeth in the morning but I always forget at night.
9. To watch television less.  Since I am at home all day now, the television is almost always on.  That just can't be good for my brain so I need to pick how much time I will allow myself daily and stick to it.
10. To set a regular date routine with hubby.  It wasn't a priority when it was just us but with Emberlynn in our lives now, we need to make sure we set aside time for just us.
11. To be more consistent with Emy's bedtime routine.  We have started one but we need to be more consistent about it now that Emy is starting to get older.
12. To drink at least one bottle of plain water (not the flavored water I love) daily.  I have never been a water drinker but I really need to be.
...I realize that most of my goals are about health and time management but those are areas of my life that have always needed improvement.  Now that I have Emy as motivation, it is time to seriously improve myself so that I can be the best mom I possibly can.  If I'm not healthy, I can't be my best.

Monday, December 27, 2010

2010 is coming to a close...

So I am stealing an idea from my friend and want to post a review of my year...

January started my sixth semester of college.  My hubby had been home from Iraq for about a month.  It was so exciting to have him home.  I got my first speeding ticket with my father-in-law in the car with me.  That was not fun.  I was ready to settle in and get to know my husband again but he did have his first yellow ribbon ceremony.

February started with my husband's second yellow ribbon ceremony and I got to go with him.  We went to Sea World while we were in Orlando and I had a blast.  I had never been before.  We rode all of the roller coasters and got to watch Shamu.  Just before Valentine's Day I found out I was pregnant.  It was a scary and exciting time.

March is when we announced to everyone we were expecting.  We also attended hubby's third and final yellow ribbon ceremony.  We didn't go to any theme parks that time though because I wouldn't be able to ride any rides.

April was nothing special.  I might have started to show during this time but can't really remember.  I was just working and trying to keep up with school work.

May is when the semester came to an end.  I don't know when I am going to go back to school or if I will ever go back but it always feels good to survive finals.  Hubby had his first drill post-deployment.  It was the same weekend that Nashville flooded.  It was a scary time for our area but the community came together amazingly.  This is also the month I learned I was carrying a little girl.  We got to see her on ultrasound.  It was amazing.

June was also another average month.  School was over so work was my main concern.  Hubby and I were just trying to make ends meet.

July is when I quit my job.  Hubby and I decided it was for the best.  We took a trip to Oklahoma to see my family and had a blast.  My cousin came back with us and spent a couple of weeks here.  That was also amazing.  It was just an awesome month.

August marked my twenty-first birthday.  I'm now legal to drink which I have no intention of doing and legal to own a hand gun which I want very much.  My birthday was fun.  We went to dinner to celebrate.

September is when hubby started back to school after four semesters out.  I started having preterm labor symptoms.  It was kind of a crazy month for us.  We also took our child birthing classes every Thursday of this month.

October I became full term.  I had contractions all month.  Everyone thought I was going to deliver early.  My due date was the 21st but it came and went with no baby to show.  Hubby turned twenty-three on the 22nd.  Still no baby.  I ended up being induced on the 26th.  I was in labor for fourteen hours and pushed for forty-five minutes.  Finally I had my baby girl to hold.  Hubby and I also celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary on the 30th.  We didn't really do anything though because it had only been four days since I had given birth so I didn't feel like getting out or leaving Emy with anyone.

November was Emy's first Thanksgiving.  We started the day with my family for lunch and went to my in-laws for dinner.  It was our first full month as parents and I think things went well.  Emy also started sleeping through the night.

December isn't quite over yet but has also been a good month.  Jesse's semester came to an end and he raised his GPA enough to be able to contract with ROTC.  That means he'll be on his way to commissioning as an officer.  That's going to be a big step for us.  It was Emy's first Christmas and my mom got to come meet her for the first time.  It was a wonderful holiday season and it was so sad to see my mom go back home.

All in all, this year has been great and definitely life changing.  My only resolution for next year is really just a goal.  It is to be the best wife and mother that I can be.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

tired of the in-between...

At the age of twenty (almost twenty-one), I seem to be stuck in between childhood and adult hood.  All of my peers accept that I am now an adult.  The law considers me an adult.  However, my family still look at me as a child.  They still treat me as a child.  No one seems to understand that I have my own goals, dreams, and well life in general.  I have been married for almost two years and am about three months away from motherhood.  Things are tight right now and I have had to lean on my family for financial support but that doesn't make me any less of an adult.  Every one has rough times.  I am just tired of being walked on and forgotten.  Most of the conversations I have with my family end in a lecture and me defending myself.  I just don't feel like it should be this way anymore.  I am so afraid that they will continue to treat me this way in front of Emy.  However, they are in for a rude awakening because I will refuse to let them patronize me in front of my child.  It would be impossible for me to earn my daughter's respect while putting up with the treatment I am currently enduring.  I know I should start trying to change things now but I just don't know how.  In some ways, I hope Emy's arrival will help them realize that I am my own woman now.  I pray that I do not have to do anything drastic.  Actually, I am just praying for peace, strength, and guidance in general during this difficult time.  I know that God is more than enough for my situation.  Please Lord, help me to learn from my experiences and not treat my child in the same negative way I have been treated.  My daughter deserves better.  Thank you Lord for all you have given me.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

nanny.

the only grandparent i have left is my grandmother on my mother's side. we all call her nanny. while i was sitting in the waiting room this morning before my NT screening, i got a call from my mom. last night my nanny was taken to the hospital by ambulance. her blood pressure is extremely high and she isn't really able to communicate. she fades in and out of being able to recognize other family members. we're hoping to find out more soon but so far i have not been updated. i am asking all of you to keep her in your prayers. please and thank you.

Monday, March 29, 2010

ready to talk.

so i posted a summary saturday night of the conversation i had with my father. i knew that i was not emotionally ready to fully vent (thank you pregnancy hormones) but needed it off my chest. well now that i have calmed down i am ready to share more of the details. i really won't use this post to quote the conversation. instead, i may bring up a few of my father's points and discuss them.

my father said he was proud of me but quickly stated the previous quote. he believes that my sister has made all the right decisions in her life and implied that i have not. what hurt me the most was that he can't seem to appreciate my differences. i realize that things look pretty scary right now and i realize that my sister did not have to face the challenges that are before me. but i wish that he would realize that i am NOT my sister. i should be valued for who i am, not who he thinks i should be. i pray that if God blesses me with more than one child, that i never make one child feel inferior to another. i must admit that his approach this time was much more civil but this is not the first time that i have been told similar things by my father. regardless of what i have done, he usually tells me that i either "didn't do anything" or "could have done so much more". his opinion of me is not based more on how he perceives me than how i actually am. no matter how old i am, it still breaks my heart that he doesn't realize he is hurting me. as i grow older and spend more time outside of his house, i realize that i can be special regardless of mistakes or difficult circumstances. oh how i wish it didn't take one little conversation to make me doubt myself all over again. thankfully i have a wonderful husband and an amazing God. my father might think that i shouldn't count on God to take care of me and that God has only promised an everlasting life and not a good life here on earth. but i read Jeremiah 29:11 [For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.] and believe with all of my heart that God will prosper me here on earth and in heaven. will there be rough times? absolutely! but i have a God that has wonderful plans for me and he gave me this little miracle for a reason.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

"she's exceptional, you're not"

summary: my father thinks my sister is exceptional and that i am not. enough said.

Friday, February 19, 2010

facebook.

so i come home and log on to facebook as normal. no problems. i get up to make me some tuna salad and when i come back to my computer it says that my session has timed out which is a little strange. i hit the "log in" option on the little window that popped up to tell me my session had timed out. the log in page comes up with my username and password already entered as usual. i hit the "log in" button and then the weird thing happened. the log in page reloaded with a red box above the log in section telling my that my account has been disabled. i know it sounds strange but i'm really upset. i haven't done anything i wasn't supposed to. to the best of my knowledge, i haven't posted anything vulgar or obscene. i wouldn't say i'm obsessed with facebook but i have alot of important photos that i'm not sure i can still find on my computer. i sent in my appeal and hope all of this craziness will get fixed.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

babysitting.

last night i babysat for a family in my apartment complex. they have a 2 1/2 year old named hannah and a 1 year old named elizabeth (or izzy for short). it was one of my most interesting babysitting gigs yet. the moment the door closed, hannah started throwing things. izzy was just a doll all night. hannah, i think, was just testing her boundaries. bed time was rough. it took an hour of screaming, excuses, outbursts and such for hannah to go to bed. she tried scratching and pinching me which i now have a small cut and bruise to show for. she also tried barricading herself in her room with her mattress. we (i say we because thankfully jesse went with me) finally got her to sleep by making her a palate beside her bed and singing to her. sadly her screaming woke up her little sister but they were both asleep before the parents got home. i do plan to babysit for them again if they ask. every person, even children, have bad days. children also like to test their boundaries when they are left with new people. i think the combination of not getting the normal nap and having strangers in the house was just too much for little hannah. but overall all i can say was it was an interesting night.