No New Year Resolutions for Me!

Yep...you read that right.  I'm not making any new year resolutions.  No list of tasks to check off.  Instead, at the leading of a great friend, I took a One Word Theme devotional on the YouVersion app.  For the whole year my focus will be on this one word.  My hope is that I will step out of God's way, truly surrender control to Him, and enjoy the journey.

What is this "one word" I will be focusing on, you ask?  Calm.  Calm is my word for the year.  While I have an idea why God would choose this word for me, I'm not going to focus on any of that.  Instead I want to gain my understanding straight from the source, not based on my own understanding.  Why?  Because let's face it.  I struggle to see myself the way that the Bible says God sees me.  I'm insecure, fearful and often negative.  If I focus on why I think God gave me this word I'm sure I will miss out on what God has in store for me in the year to come.

Honestly, while I know there will be challenges (that's just life), I'm looking forward to the lessons and God moments that are in my future.  Every day is a new opportunity for God to teach me and use me for His glory.  And I will strive to thank Him for these opportunities every day.

I Surrender All

It's a new year.  Instead of resolutions I threw myself into working on multiple areas of my life.  Last year I tried to work on the same areas but tried to take baby steps in hopes of being successful.  This year it's all or nothing.  Things cannot continue the way they are.

For a little while now I've been struggling with anger issues.  I go from okay to raging like a flipped switch.  I say and do things I wholeheartedly regret.  I hurt those closest to me.  I've turned into the parent I never wanted to be.

Well this year I'm putting all that to an end.

I'm taking another step in my walk with God.  Last year I set a goal to read a chapter of my Bible every day.  I am happy to report I can count on one hand the number of days I missed or forgot.  This year I am continuing to read a chapter a day but I am also adding a chapter of Proverbs and Psalm a day as well as writing at least one verse from each chapter in a journal.  I'm so excited for the growth I know is to come.

I'm also working on truly surrendering every aspect of my life to God.  I've prayed things in the last few weeks that I never thought I would.  But I'm also feeling and sensing God in ways I never have before.  This life is not my own.  My children are not my own.  God is the Lord and creator of all and it is time to truly live that out in my day to day.  I am a masterpiece created by the most high God.  I have to stop taking his promises for granted.  I have to stop relying on my strength.  It will never be enough.  I am only as strong as my relationship to God.

In years past I've made a goal to read a book a month.  I have yet to succeed but I'm giving it another go.  Due to the anger issues I mentioned above and the desperation to change myself as a parent, the book I chose to read in January is Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.  So far I love it.  Instead of focusing on the child(ren), it focuses on what you should be doing as a parent and how to work on yourself.  It's exactly what I need.  I'm only in the first chapter and I already, with God's guidance and conviction, feel so empowered.

I got to chat with Emberlynn today and have given her permission to call me out if I start to yell or get physical with her.  I'm using the Orange Rhino Challenge as inspiration and that will be our safe word.  When I start to loose it, she is allowed to say Orange Rhino to me.  I can already tell there will be some adjusting.  We talked about how I'm no longer allowed to yell at her, smack her hand or spank her.  Those moments are times she needs to remind me Orange Rhino.  She's pushing to have time out prohibited as well.  For now it stays.  I will also be making a sticker chart.  Instead of it being a behavior chart for the kids, it will be a behavior chart for me.  If I do well at controlling my emotions for that day then I get a sticker.  The twist?  Emberlynn (and Zoe as she gets older) gets to decide if I've earned a sticker for that day.  I realize I must sound crazy.  Why would I give my child that kind of control over me?  It is an idea the book presents and for me it was instant love.  I do not believe my role as a parent is a dictatorship.  My children are not mine to control.  They were given to me as a gift.  I am responsible for being a vessel of God's love to them.  God does not beat us into submission.  He allows us to explore the full realm of our free will.  I am responsible for keeping my children safe, to ensure they feel loved and respected, and to let God guide their steps.  He created their individual purpose long before they began to grow inside me.  I do not want to get in His way.  As far as giving my children control, I don't believe I am.  Who is a better judge of if I am being a respectful parent than my children?  I'm simply giving them the say in their own lives that they need.  If they can't communicate to me when I am hurting them, emotionally or physically, how will they learn to communicate that to future friends or boyfriends?  I want them to feel secure in themselves enough to stick up for themselves when they are being mistreated, even by me.

I am so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning.  Today I am surrendering all.  Tomorrow I move forward in my journey.  I will make mistakes.  There will be days that Emberlynn doesn't feel like I've earned a sticker.  Those days will be teaching moments for our family.  We will learn from them and move on.  We will trust that God is in control.

Reminders from God

Today God reminded me of a few things I need to work on if I want to truly fulfill His purpose for me.  I feel led to share them with you.

We are called to be a light to the world.  2 Timothy 1:11 says "And God chose me to be a preacher, an apostle, and a teacher of this Good News."  I have been called and placed exactly where I am for a divine reason.  I was called to work with our youth group to minister to and encourage our teenagers.  I can use my testimony to benefit them.  To be there for them and encourage them in their walk with the Lord.  I am also blessed to be a part of a military wife group called Combat Boot Divas.  This group allows me to meet other military wives which allows us to strengthen and encourage each other.  Even if a person upsets me, I must live out my call.  Allowing someone to shake me gives that person the power to interfere with my purpose.  No one should have that power but God.

I need to stop reacting poorly to anyone who upsets me.  Two verses from Matthew 5 give us clear instruction for how to handle opposing people.  Verse 28 says, "But I say, do not resist an evil person!  If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also."  Verse 44 says, "But I say, love your enemies!  Pray for those who persecute you!"  I should never even think about wishing anyone harm.  I should not desire for others to suffer.  It does not matter what they have done to me.  Instead we are told in James 1:2 "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy."  I am supposed to rejoice at tests and trials.  I am supposed to remember how blessed I am to serve the Lord Almighty.  My God is bigger than any wrong done to me.  My Savior is greater than any insult or injury.  He heals, restores, calms and strengthens his children.

We are instructed very clearly to forgive those who wrong us.  Matthew 6:14-15 tells us "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."  I don't know about you but I cannot afford to not be forgiven.  I have done wrong.  I have wronged and hurt others.  Even if a person is constantly doing or saying hurtful things I must forgive each account and move on.  There are no exceptions.  There are no "well once they've wronged you X number of times you don't have to forgive them anymore."  If God were to allow us a limit on how many times we must forgive someone, He would have to limit how many times He forgives us.  Thankfully Lamentations 3:23 tells us "Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh every morning."  Once we have repented of a sin it is forgotten by God.  He does not keep it in his mental record to bring back up later.  He moves on like it never happened.  I believe we are called to forgive in this same way.

Not only are we called to reach the lost but we are meant to influence and strengthen other believers.  Proverbs 27:17 words it like this: "As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend."  If I'm not building up other believers then what am I doing?  Probably hindering their walk with the Lord.  I do not want to stand before my God on judgment day if I am not sharpening my spiritual brothers and sisters.  I have been blessed with so many uplifting people in my life.  Friends who inspire me, keep me accountable, encourage me, love me at my worst and accept me as the precious gift I am.  I should be constantly striving to be like that to those around me and so should you.

I believe each person we interact with has been placed in our path by God.  There are no coincidences.  I meet who I meet for a reason.  I may not always know the reason but that is irrelevant.  God's ability to work in me and through me does not depend on my own understanding which to be honest is a huge relief.  As I look around at all the people I interact with on a daily, weekly or monthly basis I can't help but feel overwhelmed.  The impact I can and should have on this world is far greater than I have ever realized.  From a passing "Have a blessed day" to the lifelong commitment to my husband and children, I am making a difference.  My prayer is that I am changing, shaping and encouraging those around me for the better.

I hope these messages from God can inspire you the way they have inspired me.  Right now, in the middle of the storm, nothing is better than feeling God's loving embrace.  I'm so blessed.

ORC Progress Report

I wish I could say these last six days were as great as the first.  They definitely have not been.  It's been a struggle.  I've had moments of anger that got the best of me.  I've tried to apologize and move on knowing that any progress is a success.  However, yesterday God spoke to me.

The military wives Bible study I am part of is currently working through Your Beautiful Purpose by Susie Larson.  As I read Chapter 3 and worked through the study questions I was instructed to write all of my cares on a piece of paper, prayerfully turn them over to the Lord and then burn the paper.  Let's just say it was a long list.  I was writing out all of my frustrations and struggles as a parent and as I wrote "not being listened to" I felt a quickening in my heart.  I could hear God say "And how is that different from what you do?"

It's so true.  I am a child of God.  He is my heavenly father.  He is constantly speaking to me, instructing me, guiding me and lovingly disciplining me.  There are times I don't listen.  I don't follow His instruction.  I do what I want to do.  It doesn't matter why, the point is that I do.  Just like my own children are driven by their instinct to explore and test boundaries.  The difference is when I act out or go my own way, God doesn't lash out at me.  He patiently and lovingly corrects me and guides me or waits with open arms until I am ready to get back on track.

I need to parent more like God parents me.  I don't know why this had never crossed my mind before.  But today is a new day, a day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.  I will keep my focus on God.  My children need to be able to feel God through my words and actions.

And then this morning I couldn't fall back to sleep after nursing the baby so at 5:30am I decided to get up and do my Holy Yoga.  Oh what a wonderful decision that was.  The meditation I felt led to choose today was titled Perfection.  The verse used was Hebrews 10:17 from The Message version.  It says: It was a perfect sacrifice by a perfect person to perfect some very imperfect people.  The point of the teaching was that instead of striving for perfection, we should strive for connection to the One who is perfect.  Our Savior.  He doesn't want us to be perfect for the sake of our own fulfillment.  He wants us to be in an intimate relationship with Him so that His perfection can pour down on us and through us into others.  He wants to see us live and walk His will and plan for our lives.

I know today that mistakes will happen.  My beautiful young daughters will test me.  They will do things, or not do things, and I will be tempted to get angry or yell.  I need to take each mistake as an opportunity to learn.  For all of us to learn.  I need to be slow to anger and be mindful of the words coming out of my mouth and be sensitive to the moments when I should just be quiet.

Here's to taking the rest of this journey one moment at a time.  Almost halfway and this journey has already been one of the most rewarding of my life.  It was God's timing and calling to walk this journey.  There is no reason to walk it by myself.

Day 12 of 30

A Footprint in the Sand.

As I walked along the beach this morning collecting sea shells for my toddler, a man passed me.  Once he was past me I happened to focus in on one of the footprints he left behind just before the ocean slipped in and washed it away.  I was suddenly struck with thoughts of how God forgives us.  He sent his son to shed his blood to literally wash our sins away like the ocean washed away that footprint.  Just like the ocean leaves no trace of footprints in the sand, our sins are forgotten.  It is us who keep remaking footprints of sin.  Over and over again God is willing to wash them away and throw them into the sea of forgetfulness.

He does this because he is our father and he loves us.  It is an amazing love.  A love we are without question, undeserving.  It is almost magical in a way but even better since we can choose to make it our reality.  It is our gift to be able to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  It is our responsibility to surrender our sins, worries, fears, struggles, etc. to God.  We must submit ourselves to his plan to enjoy all of the benefits of being a child of God.  It's something I can easily admit I struggle with but I can also easily say that being a child of God is worth the personal struggles.

Today's moment made me realize I have some kinks to work out in myself.  I need to work on my personal relationship with God and getting my priorities in order.  I'm sure this is just the beginning of a journey to improve myself for myself.

I love it when seemingly mundane tasks because marvelous moments of learning and understanding God's love and promises.

psalm 119.

earlier this month i started a program to read the bible through in a year. each day i read a little bit from the old testament, new testament, psalm, and proverbs. the past few days, my psalm assignment has been in chapter 119. tonight i finally noticed that the little symbols in front of the section titles strongly resemble the symbols in the tattoo i have on my left shoulder [see picture to left]. the symbols in my tattoo make up a verb form of love in hebrew. i know this is random but i found it very interesting. if you don't believe me open your bible and look for yourself. i'll even help you out and give you the section titles and verses...
He 33-40
Beth 9-16
He 33-40
Aleph 1-8
keep in mind that all of these are out of psalm 119. this makes me super excited!

so wound up.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
James 1:2-3

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27

i know this makes my third blog post for the day but alot of my mind means alot of venting. right now i am trying to make my mind wind down so that i can study. enjoy the bible verses...i know i am.

Psalm 23

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.