To All of the Not So Silents Ranks I Serve Among...

You may not have set out to marry someone in the United States Armed Forces but God put a man in your life who felt called to serve.  I am proud not only to be married to my hero but to have so many wonderful women to serve with.  I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for supporting me and being with me through the ups and down of military life and marriage.  I hope I have/can return the favor whenever you are in need of a shoulder to cry on, an ear just to listen, advice on how to handle things, and prayers for things only God can handle.  You all hold a special place in my heart today and every day.

Military Life from Alpha to Zulu

I got the idea for this post from Jessica at The Crow Family blog.  You can read her list here.  Of course, I have to give her credit.  She got the idea from Riding the Roller Coaster.  Here is my alphabet.
ALPHA: Airplane, AT (Summer Training), Army (hubby's branch), ACUs, APO.
BRAVO: Bravery, Beret, Battle, Beretta (as in the 9mm hubby carries overseas), Base, BAH, Battle Buddy.
CHARLIE: Chain of Command, Camo, Care Packages, Company, Connex, CO.
DELTA: Drill, Digital (as in the type of camo they wear), Dog Tags.
ECHO: Emotions, Email, Extraction.
FOXTROT: Family, Foreign Lands, FRG, Family Day (we have one at least once a year), FPO.
GOLF: Gear, Grenade, Gas Chamber (they have to go into one at least once a year), Guns, Good-Byes.
HOTEL: Homecoming, "Hurry up and wait".
INDIA: I.D., Iraq, Integrity, Inspection.
JULIET: Jargon (lets face it, Military can be a language of its own), Jacket.
KILO: Kevlar.
LIMA: Loyalty, LES, Love.
MIKE: Military Police, M4, Missions, Mobilization.
NOVEMBER: National Security, NCO, Name Tape.
OSCAR: Orders, OPSEC, Organization (or lack there of).
PAPA: Patriotism, PT, PERSEC, Predeployment Handbook, Packing, Pride, Pay Grade, Promotions.
QUEBEC: Questions, Quick Phone Calls.
ROMEO: Redeployment, Roller Coaster, Reserves, Rank.
SIERRA: Salute, Soldier, Sandbox.
TANGO: Tricare, Team Leader, Tears.
UNIFORM: USA, USO, Uniforms.
VICTOR: Veteran, Voicemail.
WHISKEY: Warrior Ethos, Waiting, War.
XRAY: XO (Executive Officer).
YANKEE: Yellow Ribbon Ceremony.
ZULU: Zone (as in all of the different time zones).

365 Days Ago...

November 23, 2009
It was such an emotional day.  I picked my husband up from the Nashville International Airport and our first deployment ended.  I was so excited because he was finally home.  I was also nervous because he had been gone so long.  People change over the course of the year.  Was he still going to be the man I fell in love with?  Between our wedding day and that day, he had only been home for short breaks.  I saw him a mere forty-five days collectively in our first year of marriage.  That night was the first night I felt that we truly lived together even though it had been over a year since our wedding day.  That is part of military life.  You don't have to be in the same house, or even the same country, to be connected to one another.  But it was still so nice to have him home.

And Today,
To answer the question I asked earlier, yes he is the same man.  Sure there were minor changes.  So minor that I can't even point out any specific changes.  We had to learn to live together but honestly, it felt like he'd always been there.  We picked up like he'd never been gone.  But he had been gone.  He missed out on a year of my life and I missed a year of his.  We each had our own memories and life experiences that didn't include each other.  None of that mattered.  We had kept each other in the loop and there was very little to catch up on when he returned.  Now we're used to each other.  Sure we have stressful times and we don't always agree but that's just a part of marriage.  And now we have a beautiful baby girl.  Our lives have changed so much and so little in the past year.  All I know is even with the not so good moments, it has been wonderful to have my husband home.

much easier to read than to believe...

i've been slowly reading Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's Soul and one of the stories last night ended in the most amazing way...
"Whether husband or wife, we are still married to soldiers. When duty calls, the soldier will answer. In fact, he may seem eager to leave those he loves and fight the good fight. It is hard to be married to a hero. A soldier is called to fight, and the spouse of a soldier is called to understand. Understanding makes you a hero, too."
to be honest, when i read that i started crying. i've been in kind of a weird place with this deployment and with my "job" as an army wife. i don't feel like i'm doing anything special, nor do i feel i am really serving my country. i've had so many people thank me for my "service" and i say thank you but do not feel i deserve thanks. this is the only marriage i've ever known. i do not know what its like to wake up beside my husband every morning. eventually hubby will come home and we will get some time together. hopefully enough time for him to get through school but i know that this will not be our last deployment. instead, this is only the beginning but i am grateful to have so many supportive friends and family!

military life.

marrying a man in the army was not a part of my childhood fantasies. i, like most young girls, imagined waking up to my mystery husband's smiling face every morning. well now there is no mystery to who my husband will be. i have found the man who completes me and we've said our vows. but sometimes i will still have to wake up all alone. its not what i used to daydream about, no instead its my reality. the man i married has been sworn in as a soldier for the united states army. this means he also made a vow to serve his country. a vow that will sometimes supersede his "i do." this means sacrificing his time and maybe his life. when duty calls he must go. but while he's gone he must rearrange his priorities to put his responsibility as a soldier above the resoponsibilities he has as my husband. i wear a tag around my neck as a constant reminder of what my husband stands for. on one side this tag lists the seven army values: loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, and personal courage. on the other side it gives the warrior ethos:
i will always place the mission first.
i will never accept defeat.
i will never quit.
i will never leave a fallen comrad.
yes indeed my husband has taken those four short statements and embedded them in his heart. there are times when i will wonder "what if he doesn't come home?" not because i don't want him to...just simply because he might not. my fantasies were wonderful while they lasted but they have been put aside so i can embrace my reality. as a military wife my loved one can spend months away and contact can be limited but i'm not alone. wives, fiances, and girlfriends all around the world woke up this morning to an empty bed doing their part in the war on terrorism. our job is to secure the home front until our loved ones come home. and sometimes our loved ones don't come home. yes, this is the reality i have chosen. military life is full of shedule changes, fear, separation, and "whats ifs." all i know for sure is that God blessed me with jesse. he is more than i could have ever hoped for. i love my husband, he loves me, and we both love God. for us this is enough to sustain us during the obstacles of life. even military life...

one problem.

first the things i know. i know my friends have the best of intentions. i know that i usually cry when i pray. i know that its easy to make assumptions about how i must be feeling with my husband gone.

now for my confusion. why is it that when you are going through something big (like a deployment) people assume its your only problem. its not, at all. i don't know how many times in the past few months that i've broken down at church and someone has come up to pray for me, only for me to hear them talking about giving me strength to make it through the separation or helping me remember that i have others who love me. just because my husband is deployed doesn't mean every other part of my life stops. IT DOESN'T. my life keeps on rolling. school stress, work stress, family stress...its all still there just no hubby to talk things through with. instead i have to think for two people. i have to consider my own opinions and then try to decide how jesse would feel about them. don't get me wrong, i have cried many times over this deployment but there have been just as many times that i was upset over some other situation that no one ever cared to ask about. well no one except for husband. jesse got to where he could tell the difference.

sorry if i came accross as aggitated. i'm not. its just something thats been on my mind alot here lately. i've been listening to a cd i got called these boots. its about dealing with the different aspects of a deployment from predeployment to home coming and it makes me think. i hope everyone had a wonderful day. i'm hoping to go to the in-laws soon.

A Military Wife's Prayer

Give me greatness of heart to see,
The difference between duty and his love for me.

Give me understanding so that I may know,
When duty calls him, he must go.

Give me a task to do each day,
To fill the time while he is away.

When he's in a foreign land,
Keep him safe in your loving hand.

And Lord, when duty is in the field,
Please protect him and be his shield.

And Lord, when deployment is so long,
Please stay with me and keep me strong.

the unknown.

here lately i haven't been feeling well. its pretty obvious the moment i start to speak. allergies have been wrecking havoc on my throat and my voice has been greatly affected. plus my stomach has been really upset. it just hasn't been a good couple of weeks but jesse has done everything possible to help me and to cheer me up. i love that boy so much. even the little things are AMAZING! i used to wish that i would find a guy who loved me for me. jesse is that guy. sometimes we irritate each other but at the end of the day...we just want to be together. even if we're pissed off and argueing. i can't wait to be his wife. i'm so excited. i know things will be rough and it will quite an adjustment for both of us but i've decided that nothing will change the dynamic of our relationship more than the military right now. jesse and i are getting to face a situation that is only a glimpse into what our future will be like. he will be deploying for the first time in just a couple of months and i'm scared. i know God will help me through this but there are so many unknowns. we have no idea what kind of contact we'll have. i think thats my biggest worry. we're used to spending time apart but we can usually get in touch with one another when we need to. i'm afraid of not having that. i'm afraid something horrible will happen and he won't be there. actually, i'm pretty sure he won't be there. its just so close...

reiterate...

okay so i may have rambled on too much in my "random question" post because it seems the true question was missed. so here it goes again...

does it take a "special" kind of woman to date/marry a man in the military?
and
if it does take a "special" kind of woman, then what makes a woman that kind of "special?"

hopefully this cleared things up a bit. i do plan on posting again very soon. i just have to write it first. as for now i need to get in the shower cause i'm babysitting this evening. much love to all.

random question.

*yes amy and julie this is what i was writing in church tonight*

does it take a "special" kind of woman to date/marry a man in the military? its something i wonder often. i need input. i just don't know. especially since i'm still just a fiance. and if it does take a "special" kind of woman, what makes a woman that kind of "special?" i've had many peers say to me "i don't know how you do it" but honestly...i don't know how not to. and what is it exactly that i'm doing that they feel inadequate to do? the statement just baffles me.

our relationship is still very young. we've only dated for two years. we still have marriage and deployments to experience. we are still only a couple and not yet a family. there are so many unknowns. i guess that's why i have such a problem with the "i don't know how you do it" statement...i don't feel like i've done anything yet. especially not anything special.

when some people say that they don't know how i do it they're talking about being separated from jesse so much. others are talking about dealing with the risks jesse will eventually face. but sometimes i have no idea what they mean...actually make that most of the time. i'm just curious to see what you have to say. sometimes i can answer my own question, this is not one of those times apparently.

.brave.

a few days ago at work i was talking about jesse and how eventually he will deploy and my co-worker replied "that is why you don't join the military!" those words hit me like a lightening bolt. i just could not swallow them and for a brief moment i thanked God that not everyone felt that way. could you imagine if our entire nation thought that deployments were a good enough reason to not join the military. the chaos that would result is unthinkable. i was just dumbfounded that a fellow american, my friend, felt that way. i am still amazed.

then later that evening we were both mopping and the subject came up again and she said "you're a brave one" and again i found myself speechless. when i could gather the words i asked "why am i brave?" and she simply said because i want to marry a soldier. but i disagree . . . he is the one who will travel to foreign lands to protect our nation's freedom. he is the one who will be away from his family to put his life at risk for twelve months at a time. all i did was choose to love him and wait for him . . . i do not see the bravery in that . . . if anything it is borderline stupidity (joking, i know i am not stupid). but seriously, am i really being brave? that is not a rhetorical question by the way. i would like opinions. i might be missing something in myself that those around me see everyday and i would like to know.