Yesterday...

Was an emotional day full of ups and downs.

This post might get a little long so bear with me.

First of all it was the five year anniversary of my first date with the hubby.  Five years may not seem long to many but considering I'm only twenty-one and hubby is twenty-three, I'd say it's pretty special.  We didn't do anything to celebrate but it was definitely a good feeling.  It's only about five months til our three year wedding anniversary.  I love him so much!

It was the six year anniversary of the death of two wonderful young ladies I went to high school with.  I truly believe heaven got two new angels the day they went home.  They are so loved and missed.  We will always remember Hope and Lori.  I know I will see them again someday.

It was the last youth service for the first freshman Sunday School class I taught by myself.  That's right, my kiddos are graduating.  It was an emotional night.  I know God has wonderful things in store for them.  A whole new chapter of their lives is before them and I know they will all do great as long as they continue to let God guide them.

My beautiful baby girl also started crawling yesterday.  She is seven months old today and is officially mobile.  It's amazing how fast it feels the time has gone.  I wish it would slow down a little.  I already miss her newborn days.

This next point might be TMI so read on with caution but it definitely makes a difference on how I felt yesterday.  Aunt Flo returned for the first time in sixteen months.  Yes I said sixteen months.  She hadn't been an issue since January of 2010 (the month I got pregnant with my dear little Emberlynn).  It's one of the perks of breastfeeding.  Needless to say, my hormones made yesterday that much more emotional.  Plus with the cramping and a baby that wouldn't nap, it was an exhausting day.  Thankfully, Emy is napping better today because I feel like crap.  I definitely did not miss Aunt Flo but all good things must come to an end I guess.

If you made it all the way through this post, thank you.  I just needed to get everything out.  Hope everyone else is doing well!

No More!

[Read with caution.  This post is about a very personal struggle but it is something I really need to get off my chest.]

Here lately I have not been feeling well.  I'm not sick.  Something is wrong emotionally.  I have felt broken, defeated, and like a failure as a wife.  I've been on the verge of tears many times but none would fall.  I have also put my relationship with God on a back burner.  Needless to say, that's probably part of the problem.
I posted about my recovery troubles.  Well due to those troubles, it has been about sixteen weeks since my husband and I have "been intimate" (I'm sure you all can guess what that means).  It is just too painful.  Sadly, the pain didn't start with my difficult recovery.  I have a medical condition that has always made sex painful.  I have prayed multiple times for healing and now with my recovery issues on top of that, I feel defeated.  I would love to know what it is like to make love to my husband without pain.  It has been a constant source of stress for us since the beginning.  I feel broken.  Sex is something that is supposed to be wonderful and natural between a husband and wife but my body just doesn't want to cooperate.  It not only makes me feel like my body is broken but it makes my heart feel broken too.  Struggling with intimacy the way I have makes me feel like I am failing my husband.  It has been such a long, hard journey.  But yesterday I think I took a step in the right direction...
Yesterday morning at church, our pastor had an altar call for those seeking healing.  I felt led to step out.  Our pastor's wife prayed for me and when she was done, I knelt at the altar.  It had been months since I had prayed at the altar but something inside me told me I needed to.  Just second after kneeling at the altar, the tears started to fall.  The tears that had been trying to fall for weeks finally let go.  As I prayed, I felt some of my emotional baggage fall away.  I realized that with my God, I don't have to feel broken.  These feelings are not from God but from Satan and there is no room for Satan in my life.  Struggling with intimacy does not make me a failure.  I have truly been my own worst enemy through this process and it is time to change that.  I serve a God who gave me so much peace and strength through my husband's deployment, there is no reason he can't do the same through this struggle.  It is up to me to accept the gifts God has for me.  Not only did I rededicate my life at that altar but I let down the wall I had subconsciously put up around myself.  In order to overcome this struggle, I need to be vulnerable to God.  I'm defending myself against the wrong person and Satan had crept through the cracks.  But no more!  With God I am victorious.  No more defeat.  No more brokenness.  Through my God all things are possible!

a year already...

today is my one year wedding anniversary! this year has flown by. not that i mind, considering my husband has been deployed for most of it. but i'm so proud of him. he is my best friend and the person God has for me. and i'm ready for him to be home! hopefully he'll be mine again by the end of next month. i feel so blessed to be married to my hero. but i'm ready to spend some actual time with my husband. i love him so much!

wedding pictures to celebrate our one year anniversary.

us looking back at derrick after the question "does anyone object?" was asked.

me putting his ring on.

us figuring out how to get off stage. i just jumped lol.

us posing for pictures.

oh i love him :)

pictures

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

...to my wonderful husband! he turns twenty-two today but is spending it in iraq. i love him so much and am so proud of what he is doing for our country. he is my best friend and the man God made just for me. this is his fourth birthday since we have been together and i have yet to actually see him on his birthday. i told him he's not allowed to go anywhere during the month of october next year but as always it will be up to the army. i just hope he can have the best day possible today. now i just have to plan how to celebrate when he comes home...

dating anniversary.

hubby and i have been together three wonderful years today. sure they've had their ups and downs, especially with the military, but i wouldn't trade a single moment. on our first date we went bowling and walked the greenway. on our one year anniversary we went bowling again. for our two year anniversary we went to chattanooga for the weekend (about ten days early) and visited rock city and the aquarium. he proposed on lover's leap at rock city. we didn't go on our actual anniversary because he would be in california with the army. now that we are married we'll be celebrating october 30th instead of today but it wouldn't matter. he's in iraq right now and will be on our one year wedding anniversary as well. we'll just have to make up for lost time when he finally does get home.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HUBBY!

stolen from kenny and edited.

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couldn't sleep.

its sad but true.
i couldn't sleep.
so here is another creation.
only its not a photo this time.
enjoy...



yes i plan to go to sleep now.
i want to know what you guys think!

married life.

people keep asking me what married life is like. the question catches me off guard every time. especially when the people asking are married. all i can seem to say is that the army has had him longer than i have...well its true, they have. we've been married for almost two months now and he's been home for about two weeks of it and thats collectively.

to me being married still seems very surreal. kind of like two kids playing dress up. we're going through the motions of being married but i don't feel a change in our relationship. at least not yet. i wonder when it will feel different. we have a joint bank account now, we've moved out, i'm his power of attourney while he's active duty, i have a military ID, my driver's license and social security card both say Danielle Ross...when will i feel the change?

jesse will be in iraq for our one year anniversary. i'll feel a change but it won't be marriage then. so much of the focus has been on making sure that jesse is ready for this deployment that i think i might have forgotten to stop and smell the roses so to speak. his needs were my first priority. i think i accidentally over looked mine. i needed time to let marriage sink in. we put a great deal of thought and prayer into the decision to get married but what about once the vows are said? yes we thought it was the right timing and that we have God's blessing but that doesn't mean things always go peachy. i mean in five days i say goodbye to my husband and won't see him for a year. life has ups and downs. so do relationships. i guess i'm just waiting for some spark or lightbulb to kick my mind into "married woman" gear.

and that what married life means to me right now. alot of unknowns, fears, hopes, and plans. now its time to buckly our seatbelts and let God take us for the ride.

the wedding bands.

i just thought it was about time to show them off. this is one of my favorite wedding pictures but it was actually taken the night before. the thinner one is mine and the thicker one is jesse's. we picked it so that his wedding band would be the same thickness as my engagement ring and wedding band put together. enjoy.

the big day.

yes today was the big day. jesse and i became husband and wife. the ceremony was short and sweet but exactly what i wanted. nothing crazy, nothing formal. just kenny, jesse, and i and a few friends and family. i can't wait til i get all the pictures.

and so it begins.

jesse left today for the first of three separations. honestly, i'm scared. not so much for this separation but for the third. him being gone for 400 days. i think he said it best himself. there are unavoidable fears and changes that we will have to overcome. i'm just so excited at the prospect of becoming his wife at the end of this month. i just wish we had every one's blessings. but i'll be praying about that. not that they miraculously become okay with us getting married but that it doesn't hinder our relationship.

talking to the parentals.

so both sets of parents now know that we're considering getting married before he leaves. most of the responses were predictable but some were surprising. the predictable reactions: my mom was excited. jesse parents would like us to wait until at least one of us is finished with school (originally they would like us both to be finished but deployment is going to put jesse at least three semesters behind). the main issue with that is if we stick with our may 25, 2010 date...we'll both still be in school. their concerns make sense and we expected the response we got but we still felt it was important to get their input. they deserve to be involved. my dad was the one who surprised us. when i told him he said "well either way i have your back." i was shocked. i was expecting him to be completely against it. all in all...we're still deciding. there's alot to do to make it happen. we won't have a ceremony until he comes home whichever way we go about it but there's still alot to getting married and making sure everything is in order for after the marriage.

that aside but not off the topic...we aren't considering marriage now because he's leaving. we actually weren't going to consider it because he's leaving. we didn't want people to think that was the only reason we were getting married. but after discussing it with the pastor who is going to marry us we decided to reconsider it. i guess we'll see what happens.

now its time for me to get in the shower. i work three to close tonight. wish me luck. i did get to sleep in today so i caught up on some sleep. i also teach sunday school tomorrow and we're taking engagement pictures tomorrow afternoon. i'm super excited about the pictures. keep my family in your prayers please. there is alot of drama going on and i'm afaid of who might get hurt...

premarital counseling.

so premarital counseling went great. we had some great discussion. it was wonderful, even despite the touchy topics that are bound to come up. we have to do three chapters for next week. its alot but its okay. with jesse leaving we just don't have the time...

a first.

tonight represents a couple of firsts for me. tonight was my first bible study ever and it was also my first group meeting with military spouses. now i know i'm not a wife yet but fiances are welcome too. it was great. the woman who leads it is so sweet and so down to earth. i'm really looking forward to this group. i think it will be really good for me. hopefully i will learn ways to deal with jesse's deployment that aren't like the destructive activities i participated in back in high school.

plus soon i will be facing another first. jesse and i will be starting premarital counseling as soon as the books come in. right now the day is up in the air but its kind of looking like tuesdays. i'm a little nervous about it but i think it will be good for us. we need to make sure our foundation is strong not only to well get married but just to be able to weather this upcoming separation.

but now i'm going to go read up on the bible study (i won the book in a drawing...YAY). plus i need to get some sleep. i'm still sick. much love. night.

new blog.

yes now i'm back up to three. i created a blog and made jesse an author so we can blog together. it sounds like a good idea in theory but we'll see how it goes. just thought everone would like to know.

just wanna say...

i love my jesse. i just haven't said that enough lately. sorry if thats too mushy for some of you but if he has to put up with my crap...he deserves to hear it from me. thank you for bearing with me.

insight.

i feel helpless. jesse is going through so much and i don't know how to help him

and the fact that being separated tends to weaken our communication skills doesn't help. lets face it, texting was not made for conversations. and even phone calls don't help because you are depending on their tone of voice and that can be deceiving. he can sound mad but really only be tired or he can make himself sound happy to avoid upsetting me. nothing compares to face-to-face interaction. nothing. but this is something i have to get used to. things will only get worse when he deploys.

to make things worse, he blames himself and that only hurts me more. it quickly turns into a downward spiral. uhg. and this will be my life for the next twenty or so years. however long he chooses to serve. and yes, the decision is completely his.

but truthfully . . . as depressed as i sound, its also moments like this that help me realize how much i love him. and as much as i worry, he can always say just the right thing to calm me down. he truly completes me. no matter what distance the military puts between our bodies, nothing can separate our hearts. we may argue or let the stress get the best of us at times but we are in this together. we never have to feel alone again.

*so rest assured my love, my promise to wait is just as good today as it was the day i made it to you*

wow. what a twist this post took. this was a true glimpse into how my train of thought operates.

i have come to label myself a "hopeful pessimist." yes i worry too much and too often i allow my paranoia get in the way of learning to just live my life. but at the same time i am just as willing to feed off the possibilities in any given situation. rarely have i ever truly lost hope. i am a child of god. i could never be truly hopeless. i just find it very difficult to turn over complete control and as a naturally selfish person, as most humans are, i let my own wants and desires interfere with my ability to hear god's plans. haven't we all been there a time or two?!?

now back to a lighter note, because i hate ending on sad ones, here are some bible verses to lighten the heart . . .

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."
1 John 4:16

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserves."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

two years.

it is a surreal feeling. today is me and jesse's two year anniversary. exactly two years until i walk down the isle and take him as my husband. i can't wait! it might be a long two years when all is said and done but twenty years down the road i want to look back on these dating years and say we made the most of every moment . . . even before we were married. God is already providing for us. thats calms me a bit.

so today i spent six hours at jesse's parent's house. it wasn't bad. i got a few lectures about jesse's performance in school and money but oh well. i'm kind of getting used to it. i just wish they believed me more. i tell them that me and jesse don't talk alot when he is in school but they see how many minutes he uses and think i'm just telling them what they want to hear. same thing with homework. i'm the one who messed around this semester and almost failed english. he really tried but they don't see it. i wish they did. tonight jesse's dad asked me if jesse is my soulmate. i thought it was a dumb question. i really wanted to say "no we're just engaged for the hell of it!" but instead i just nodded yes. sometimes i wonder what they think of our relationship. if they really think we are in this forever. i'll never ask but i can't help but wonder. we really love each other. we may be young but they should know that age doesn't matter. uhg. i don't know why i let them stress me out. they really feel like parents to me.

p.s. i love and miss you hope and lori!!

the ring.

it has been decided that the ring that was so generously gifted by gus and laura will be my official engagement ring. THANK YOU GUS AND LAURA!! there is no reason for jesse to buy a ring when we have been given an absolutely beautiful one. plus the money could really be used else where right now.

well its bed time. night night.