i feel helpless. jesse is going through so much and i don't know how to help him
and the fact that being separated tends to weaken our communication skills doesn't help. lets face it, texting was not made for conversations. and even phone calls don't help because you are depending on their tone of voice and that can be deceiving. he can sound mad but really only be tired or he can make himself sound happy to avoid upsetting me. nothing compares to face-to-face interaction. nothing. but this is something i have to get used to. things will only get worse when he deploys.
to make things worse, he blames himself and that only hurts me more. it quickly turns into a downward spiral. uhg. and this will be my life for the next twenty or so years. however long he chooses to serve. and yes, the decision is completely his.
but truthfully . . . as depressed as i sound, its also moments like this that help me realize how much i love him. and as much as i worry, he can always say just the right thing to calm me down. he truly completes me. no matter what distance the military puts between our bodies, nothing can separate our hearts. we may argue or let the stress get the best of us at times but we are in this together. we never have to feel alone again.
*so rest assured my love, my promise to wait is just as good today as it was the day i made it to you*
wow. what a twist this post took. this was a true glimpse into how my train of thought operates.
i have come to label myself a "hopeful pessimist." yes i worry too much and too often i allow my paranoia get in the way of learning to just live my life. but at the same time i am just as willing to feed off the possibilities in any given situation. rarely have i ever truly lost hope. i am a child of god. i could never be truly hopeless. i just find it very difficult to turn over complete control and as a naturally selfish person, as most humans are, i let my own wants and desires interfere with my ability to hear god's plans. haven't we all been there a time or two?!?
now back to a lighter note, because i hate ending on sad ones, here are some bible verses to lighten the heart . . .
"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."
1 John 4:16
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserves."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7