Monday, February 14, 2011

No More!

[Read with caution.  This post is about a very personal struggle but it is something I really need to get off my chest.]

Here lately I have not been feeling well.  I'm not sick.  Something is wrong emotionally.  I have felt broken, defeated, and like a failure as a wife.  I've been on the verge of tears many times but none would fall.  I have also put my relationship with God on a back burner.  Needless to say, that's probably part of the problem.
I posted about my recovery troubles.  Well due to those troubles, it has been about sixteen weeks since my husband and I have "been intimate" (I'm sure you all can guess what that means).  It is just too painful.  Sadly, the pain didn't start with my difficult recovery.  I have a medical condition that has always made sex painful.  I have prayed multiple times for healing and now with my recovery issues on top of that, I feel defeated.  I would love to know what it is like to make love to my husband without pain.  It has been a constant source of stress for us since the beginning.  I feel broken.  Sex is something that is supposed to be wonderful and natural between a husband and wife but my body just doesn't want to cooperate.  It not only makes me feel like my body is broken but it makes my heart feel broken too.  Struggling with intimacy the way I have makes me feel like I am failing my husband.  It has been such a long, hard journey.  But yesterday I think I took a step in the right direction...
Yesterday morning at church, our pastor had an altar call for those seeking healing.  I felt led to step out.  Our pastor's wife prayed for me and when she was done, I knelt at the altar.  It had been months since I had prayed at the altar but something inside me told me I needed to.  Just second after kneeling at the altar, the tears started to fall.  The tears that had been trying to fall for weeks finally let go.  As I prayed, I felt some of my emotional baggage fall away.  I realized that with my God, I don't have to feel broken.  These feelings are not from God but from Satan and there is no room for Satan in my life.  Struggling with intimacy does not make me a failure.  I have truly been my own worst enemy through this process and it is time to change that.  I serve a God who gave me so much peace and strength through my husband's deployment, there is no reason he can't do the same through this struggle.  It is up to me to accept the gifts God has for me.  Not only did I rededicate my life at that altar but I let down the wall I had subconsciously put up around myself.  In order to overcome this struggle, I need to be vulnerable to God.  I'm defending myself against the wrong person and Satan had crept through the cracks.  But no more!  With God I am victorious.  No more defeat.  No more brokenness.  Through my God all things are possible!

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