Thursday, November 3, 2011

Time to come clean...

I know that I haven't been posting lately and I'm sorry.  Actually I'm not even sure there is anyone out there reading my blog anymore but if there is then I apologize for not being around.
Truth is, I'm having a really hard time lately.  I don't know how much I've posted here but we are currently living with my father because of financial reasons and I am having a horrible time adjusting.  My father and I are not close and we are spending a lot of time butting heads.  I am feeling constantly judged and criticized.  I'm really struggling emotionally.  My confidence and esteem are shaky at best but until things turn around for us, we're stuck.  Of course the 'stuck' feeling doesn't help matters.
I think I've been absent from here because I'm feeling so lost in my life right now.  I wasn't sure if or what I wanted to share but I've decided it's best to just put it all out there.  I feel I may be suffering from depression or at least on the slippery slope down.  Rest assured, I will not repeat my mistakes of the past.  I do not feel suicidal nor am I interested in harming myself or anyone else.  I'm just feeling disrespected, unappreciated and drained.
I do believe it is affecting my role as a wife and mother and I am desperately trying to keep myself together enough to be strong for my husband and child.  I'm trying to lean on God and find my inner strength but I'm sure you all know how hard that can be sometimes.  I'm hoping I can get through this difficult phase of life without seeking professional help or medication.  I do not judge those who turn to medication but it makes me extremely nervous to take it myself.
I truly believe that once we get back out on our own, things will get better and I will begin to feel like myself again.  I just have to hold out and know that God has good plans for me.  This trial is temporary and will end.  I have to trust myself and know that as long as I am following God and my heart, I am a good mother and wife.  I have to ignore the judgement and criticism.  I believe whole heartedly in the way I am choosing to raise my child.  While others may have good advice for me, it is time I stand up for myself and refuse to be talked down to.  If the people in question cannot find a respectful way to give advice, I want nothing to do with it.  I deserve to be treated better.  If they want to be a jerk then I don't have to listen.
So that is what is up with me.  I can't promise I will get better anytime soon but I'm definitely working on it.  October was a busy month for our family with hubby's birthday, Emberlynn's first birthday (yes my baby turned one, can you believe it?!?), and our wedding anniversary.  Look forward to three special posts.  One for Emberlynn's birthday, one for our anniversary, and one for Halloween.


Rachael said...

I think being a SAHM might also be draining. Do you ever get out and just do something for yourself? I have a full time job and I'm not quite sure I could do what you do. It's the hardest job in the world and with everything else you're dealing with, it's got to make it harder.

PS: i still read your blog :)

Danie Nicole said...

I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm at home all day. Although I believe most of my issue is the emotional and verbal abuse I'm being put through. Just after posting this I was told I wasn't a productive member of society because I am home all day. I guess to that person, raising a child doesn't as contributing to society.
Also thanks for still reading my blog :)