Sunday, April 10, 2011

I'm a big girl now.

No this is not about my daughter.  She is only five months old so we haven't started having those issues yet.  This post is about me.  About my struggle with certain family members to accept me and respect me as an adult.
I just don't know how to go about confronting them.  Well maybe 'confront' isn't the right word.  I don't want to be aggressive.  I want to be exactly the opposite.  I want to be able to be vulnerable around them.  I know that they love me and that all they want is what is best for me.  I understand that and I am glad that they care but it is no longer their job to try to protect me.  I am a big girl now.  I've been married for two and a half years and I'm a mother.  I just wish that they could step back and respect me as an adult.  At this point in my life I am beyond tired of people telling me how I should live.  Especially now that I am getting all kinds of unwanted parenting advice (from strangers, not from family).  I was never a crazy rebellious teenager and I think I've molded into a fairly grounded adult.  I just need my family to support me.  I need to feel like I can confide in them.  Up to this point I have always felt the need to be on the defensive around them and its exhausting.  During a simple conversation with my sister yesterday I broke down into tears.  It was ridiculous and I felt so stupid.  All of the stress in my life is really getting to me these days.  I probably didn't always need to be on the defensive but I think it was my way of protecting myself and now I realize the damage that has been done.  I try to confide in them and there is so much they don't know because I kept it all to myself.  I look around and see all of these wonderful sister relationships or all of the wonderful father-daughter relationships and I want that.  I want to feel like I can tell my father and sister anything and won't be judged.  I realize that a lot of my opinions are not mainstream and I know that at times they think I am crazy.  I'm okay with that because I like who I am and I am okay if they don't agree with me.  I'm not expecting them to agree, that really would be crazy.  Families do not always have to agree, sometimes they just have to agree to disagree.
I'm not saying that I have horrible relationships with my father and sister.  I just know they could be so much better if I felt secure enough to confide in them.  To let them in more on my life.  I just wish that when I tried I wasn't faced with such harsh judgment most of the time.  Or what feels harsh to me anyway.  Who knows, maybe I'm more sensitive than I think.

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