Monday, March 29, 2010

ready to talk.

so i posted a summary saturday night of the conversation i had with my father. i knew that i was not emotionally ready to fully vent (thank you pregnancy hormones) but needed it off my chest. well now that i have calmed down i am ready to share more of the details. i really won't use this post to quote the conversation. instead, i may bring up a few of my father's points and discuss them.

my father said he was proud of me but quickly stated the previous quote. he believes that my sister has made all the right decisions in her life and implied that i have not. what hurt me the most was that he can't seem to appreciate my differences. i realize that things look pretty scary right now and i realize that my sister did not have to face the challenges that are before me. but i wish that he would realize that i am NOT my sister. i should be valued for who i am, not who he thinks i should be. i pray that if God blesses me with more than one child, that i never make one child feel inferior to another. i must admit that his approach this time was much more civil but this is not the first time that i have been told similar things by my father. regardless of what i have done, he usually tells me that i either "didn't do anything" or "could have done so much more". his opinion of me is not based more on how he perceives me than how i actually am. no matter how old i am, it still breaks my heart that he doesn't realize he is hurting me. as i grow older and spend more time outside of his house, i realize that i can be special regardless of mistakes or difficult circumstances. oh how i wish it didn't take one little conversation to make me doubt myself all over again. thankfully i have a wonderful husband and an amazing God. my father might think that i shouldn't count on God to take care of me and that God has only promised an everlasting life and not a good life here on earth. but i read Jeremiah 29:11 [For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.] and believe with all of my heart that God will prosper me here on earth and in heaven. will there be rough times? absolutely! but i have a God that has wonderful plans for me and he gave me this little miracle for a reason.

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