Yep, that's what I'm busy doing. We're roughly a month away from mobilization (you know I can't tell you exactly when) and to be honest, I'm scared.
I remember before our first deployment that anxious feeling. That 'how am I ever going to make it through this' feeling that must be normal. Then you realize at the end that it wasn't that big of a deal. You survived and now you feel like some kind of pro. Well four years later, preparing for deployment number two with a toddler and in my third trimester, that pro feeling is a distant memory. Instead I'm even more anxious than ever.
How is my toddler going to handle her daddy being gone?
How am I going to handle giving birth without my husband by my side?
How am I going to balance a toddler and a newborn all by myself?
How is my toddler going to adapt to being a big sister?
How will I ever sleep, shower, grocery shop or eat those first few months?
Am I sure I can survive this? I mean I know I did last time but I only had me to worry about, not two small children.
The worries are endless. The list could go on and on. It is so hard to shut my brain off and not worry about what is quickly approaching. I spend countless hours telling myself that other military families go through this all the time and it will all work out. Sometimes it helps but there are still times it doesn't. I look into my precious toddler's face and can't help but feel sad. Sad that she has no idea what is coming. She doesn't understand that daddy is getting ready to be gone for at least ten months. She doesn't realize that mommy's growing belly will produce a crying, needy infant that will take mommy's attention away from her.
Of course these feelings are probably normal. I know that once we're in the midst of it all I will figure it out and carry on. A year from now when we're preparing for home coming all of these feelings will be nothing but a distant memory. I'll have a whole new set of 'what ifs' on my mind and I'll wonder why I was so worried about it all. I could blame pregnancy hormones, I mean surely they are playing a part in all this. I just have to slow down and take it a day at a time. I have to remember that I serve an amazing God. I know He has a plan for my life, even if I can't see it right now.
So deployment number two...bring it.