untitled.

honestly...i don't blame this soldier, whoever it is. but honestly this card made me think of jesse, go figure. last night during praise and worship we sang a song that said "send me, i will go" and while its talking about asking God to use us...i could help but think about where jesse is going. i don't think that its really sunk in that jesse is leaving. now i know he's deploying and i can spout out all the facts but i don't think i've connected the two yet. lets try it: deployment=leaving...hmmm, nope my mind hasn't connected them. i just feel so lost sometimes.

and to make matters worse...my father plays my fears against me. how low is that? i worry so much that i will fail jesse. that i will fail as a wife and mother and he might not know that but he sure is good at using it against me. comments like "jesse won't ever want to come home" or "you really think jesse will love you?" always break me and i hate it. i hate the way he makes me feel. i hate the awful things he says about me and to me. i hate being in this house. but most of all i hate how easy he makes it to hate him. someday my children might ask "mommy do you love grandpa?" and i don't want to lie. don't get me wrong, i love him as my father...not as a person though.

wow this blog took quite a turn. i'm sorry. that's just the way my mind links things together sometimes. i get on a trail and just keep running...