Tuesday, May 13, 2008

identity.

a year since the end of high school. a year since starting a new chapter and the pages continue to turn. have i changed? am i really the same person that walked across that stage a mere twelve months ago? i am asking questions that only God can answer. i feel lost. i'm not sure of who i am. i never have been. i fear that i am only defined by my relationship to others. i am a daughter, a sister, a fiance, a friend, the concessions girl, an employee, a nursery worker, a sunday school assistant . . . but deep down what does all of that truly mean? i have no personal identity. none that i can find. i just don't know . . .

i have spent my life dreading change and this past year so much has changed. the life i once knew is a distant memory now and i am amazed that i am fairing so well. now i still have my issues, things will never be perfect but i am proud of myself. as i heard on a television show "i've taken a big girl pill." hmmm, now thats a thought . . .

on a side note, i know i am still young but i fear my youth has come and gone. i feel like i am missing out on the "good times." i want so much to change my fears . . . to go out and live but i don't have the courage to let go. clinging is something i have become accustom to. how can i break free to find the "real me" that i don't even know? i wouldn't even know where to begin.

2 comments:

Rebecca said...

You are far more than just the concessions girl to us :-D... of course we appreciate that too ;-)

Julie said...

Wow! That's deep. Look to God sweetie... that's the only place we can truly find ourselves. I love you! :)