Today I walked my first half marathon. Yes all 13.1 miles. I've received many "Good job"s and "I'm proud of you"s. Each one makes me feel just a little lower. I don't feel like today was a major accomplishment even though I know it was. Seven long months went into training for today. I proved I could set my mind to something and follow through. I can be active and healthy. I can set fitness goals and reach them. I can do something all for me.
But all of that feels a little undone by watching others who were quick to admit they did not train, sail smoothly through. Right now in the midst of the soreness I can't help but think to myself "What was the point?" If all these people can just show up and do it why did I put so much hard work into it? Why did I even do it at all?
Honestly I'm not sure races are for me. I don't get caught up in the hype or adrenaline. I don't find them super exciting or enjoyable. Mostly I feel insecure. Like I don't belong. Instead of feeling like I belong to a team, I feel really quite alone at the start line. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm still a newby. I'm worried all these seasoned athletes will take one look at me and laugh. I'm not comfortable in my skin when it comes to physical activity and exercise.
I have a long journey ahead of me. Yes I plan to stay active and keep walking (although probably not 13 miles). Yes I still have goals to reach. I'm praying today will sink in and once the soreness is gone I will have an easier time accepting the praise. Although by next month I'm sure no one will remember what I did today.