Saturday, November 8, 2014

Nashville Half Marathon 2014

Today I walked my first half marathon.  Yes all 13.1 miles.  I've received many "Good job"s and "I'm proud of you"s.  Each one makes me feel just a little lower.  I don't feel like today was a major accomplishment even though I know it was.  Seven long months went into training for today.  I proved I could set my mind to something and follow through.  I can be active and healthy.  I can set fitness goals and reach them.  I can do something all for me.

But all of that feels a little undone by watching others who were quick to admit they did not train, sail smoothly through.  Right now in the midst of the soreness I can't help but think to myself "What was the point?"  If all these people can just show up and do it why did I put so much hard work into it?  Why did I even do it at all?

Honestly I'm not sure races are for me.  I don't get caught up in the hype or adrenaline.  I don't find them super exciting or enjoyable.  Mostly I feel insecure.  Like I don't belong.  Instead of feeling like I belong to a team, I feel really quite alone at the start line.  Maybe it's because I feel like I'm still a newby.  I'm worried all these seasoned athletes will take one look at me and laugh.  I'm not comfortable in my skin when it comes to physical activity and exercise.

I have a long journey ahead of me.  Yes I plan to stay active and keep walking (although probably not 13 miles).  Yes I still have goals to reach.  I'm praying today will sink in and once the soreness is gone I will have an easier time accepting the praise.  Although by next month I'm sure no one will remember what I did today.

No comments: