Saturday, November 8, 2008

break down.

i"ve been trying to avoid a post like this but here it goes...

i didn't get a phone call tonight and for some reason i'm really upset. i just heard from him last night. he told me he had no idea when i would talk to him again. and i've gone much longer without hearing his voice. so why am i so upset? its just training. its nothing new. but in twenty days that all changes. it is something new. something neither of us has ever gone through before and i'm scared.

i'm also tired of every one's input. some tell me how easy it will be and that i'll be fine...others tell me how rough it will be. and then there are the dumb questions. in the moment they are asked i laugh and give some scapegoat answer. but in reality the questions sting...
will you be sad?
will you miss him?
of course i will be sad. i already am. but he is doing what he feels he was called to do. i promised to wait and support him. i'm only doing what i believe is my duty. and of course i will miss him. i always miss him. what kind of wife would i be if i didn't miss him? and then the comment that always seems to follow: "that's why you have us." my friends and family may be able to comfort me sometimes but i'm sorry, they can't make up for my husband being thousands of miles away.

people just confuse me sometimes. i'm sorry about this post. i hope i didn't offend or upset anyone with anything i said. i just want to find the peace in this situation. i'm not saying i'll ever be happy about this deployment but i know that God is in control. he timed it this way for a reason. it may be months, years, or decades before i figure out what that reason is...assuming i ever figure out the reason. but i trust God. i pray that through this situation i continue to turn to him for my strength and my comfort.

1 comment:

Shauna said...

Well, from experience I have to say that every deployment will be different for you. Our second was harder in some ways then easier in some ways. It is a crazy time. Never forget that God is your rock, your strength, your shield. When you feel like crying...cry. When you feel like laughing...laugh. Some military wives feel guilty if they laugh or have fun when their DH is deployed. You are a person, if you stay sad all the time...well, you're just miserable. I always seem to face a brick wall about 4 or 5 months into a deployment and I CRY, constantly. I cry while I cook, while I drive, as soon as I start praise and worship at church..I cry. I am not really experiencing a sad moment, but it is just a time of emotional breakdown. People will always come and say "it's going to be okay" "he only has a few more months before coming home". But only a military wife can know WHAT you are really feeling. We have a former military wife in our church that I know will pray accordingly for me. She gets it. Well, that said...just know that I am here if you need me to lean on or cry to.