What have we been up to?

Well October was a whirlwind.

Miss Zoe turned one and became a toddler.  She is full blown walking now and is becoming quite the little ham.  She also knows how to throw quite a tantrum and demands personal space.  She still looks so much like her daddy, even more than big sister.

Miss Emberlynn turned three and became a preschooler.  She's growing up so fast and acts even older than she is.  She's all about princesses and dressing up.  Discipline and parenting are taking on a whole new definition.  The challenges are bigger but so are the rewards.

Hubby also had his birthday and turned twenty-six.  Just four years away from thirty.  But he's not one to get bent out of shape over a number and LOVES birthdays.

We're still adjusting to him being home and back in work and school.  We had hoped to be settled in by now but the government shut down affected us financially as well as interfering with his retraining at work.  Thankfully we serve a big God who has been with us through all of this.

 Speaking of hubby, we also celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.  It's been a full five years with two deployments and two small children.  Right now we're working through this post deployment, reestablishing "normal" phase but I know we'll make it and be even stronger on the other side.  I'm so glad God brought us together.

We also had Halloween, a much beloved holiday in our family.  Emberlynn was old enough to remember and be excited.  Zoe was old enough to actually go.  Best of all daddy was home.

Hope you enjoyed the update and pictures.  I'll try to check in again soon.

Nine Months! Gasp!

My sweet little Zoe is nine months old today.  It's so hard to believe I'm only three months away from having a toddler and a preschooler.  Where did the time go??  I'm sure we're only a matter of weeks away from her walking.  I know it's cliche but they really do grow up so fast.

And the best part is hubby is home!  We're no longer stuck in an unknown countdown and the deployment is over.  Zoe got to meet her daddy for the first time and took to him pretty well.  Emberlynn is thrilled to have him home but of course her little two year old self is testing boundaries.

I will try to get back into posting now that I've got my partner back.  Of course right now we're all still adjusting and trying to get settled into our "new normal" that will hopefully last awhile.

Eight Months Already.

My sweet miss Zoe is eight months old today.  She's a feisty little girl.  She loves to crawl (in her own special way, two hands and only one knee) and pull up on furniture.  I have a feeling I'll have another early walker.  I'm hoping she'll hold off so her daddy can see her walk for the first time.  He has missed so many of her firsts and big moments in her short life that I'd really like for him to witness her taking her first steps.

Speaking of daddy, we are getting very close to the end of this deployment.  We should be within sixty days of homecoming.  Even though we have our reserves about reintegration, we are so ready to be together again!  We're in that awkward window of knowing it's close but not know when.  At this point we will not get any further information until he is back stateside.  I'm pretty sure the anticipation of homecoming is harder than the anticipation of the goodbye.  Just sayin.  Upon his return I will attempt to get back into a better blogging routine but no promises.  I'm sure there is some serious adjustment ahead.

Seven Months.

Yes, my sweet Zoe is seven months old today.  She is a joy.  She's feisty like big sister but in her own way.  She loves food!  And is still trying to figure out crawling.  However, she still figures out how to get where she wants to go.  Things are running much smoother, most of the time.  Some days naps work out just right and some days they are a mess.  Such is life.

We are nearing the end of this deployment.  They've been given a date but told not to share it with anyone outside of their location.  So it seems there won't be much of a count down until he's back stateside.

We are also moving a week from today.  Finally we're getting back into our own space.  I will be forever grateful for what my father has done for my family but I am ready to be out on our own again.

I wish I had more to say but the baby is getting fussy and it's almost time to feed her and put her down for her first nap.  Much love to all.

One Month Down...

My sweet precious Zoe was one month old yesterday.  It seems surreal to think she's already been a part of our family for a whole month.  She's already outgrowing her newborn size clothes and the newborn size diapers.  That's at least two weeks earlier than her big sister.  All around she is a very different baby than Emberlynn was but I already knew that from pregnancy.  It is amazing how even before they are born you can tell certain things about them.  It also amazes me that even at this young age I can tell my girls have very different personalities.  It's my job to love them for their differences and teach them to love themselves.

That also means I've been a mother of two for a month now.  I wanted to take the time to jot down a few things I've learned as a not first time mother.
- I didn't appreciate the time I had with just Emberlynn enough.  The transition to motherhood can be a rough one and it's so easy to feel completely overwhelmed.  Then you add another child and think "Why did I think it was so hard to just have one?".  I do not say this to take away from the mothers who only have one child, motherhood is challenging regardless of how many children you have.  I've just learned that for myself, I should have spent more time appreciating just having one and not dwelling on the challenges.  Now I get to try to apply this lesson to having two children.
- I'm stronger than I thought I was.  Giving birth and balancing both little ones while the husband is deployed is hard are we're still adjusting but overall it's going better than I thought.  Of course I'm sure God is the only reason I'm surviving.
- As chaotic as things are with two small children, I love how much more comfortable I am this time.  Since I've already had a newborn it's easier to stay calm and realize when everything is okay and when I should worry.
- I need and love my husband more than I ever thought.  It seems so surreal that we have now been blessed with two beautiful daughters.  Doing this without him has made me appreciate him more than I ever thought possible.  I really do believe this deployment is a turning point for our relationship.  Things were kind of rough before he left but as long as we use this deployment to learn from the challenges and move forward, I feel like things can be so much better when he comes home.

Speaking of my last point, little Zoe being a month old means we're one month closer to Jesse coming home.  We're not entirely sure when he'll be home but at least we're getting closer.

Miss Zoe is Here! (Home Birth Story)

Yes, my sweet precious little one finally made her appearance.  Zoe Madelon joined the world Thursday, October 18th at 7:38am.  She weighed 7lbs4oz and is 19.75in long.

She is waving hi!

Her big sister absolutely adores her.

Want to know what the birth was like?  Keep reading...

I guess I should start with the evening before.  It was Wednesday, October 17th.  I was six days past my due date but had big plans.  Since I was still pregnant and it was the first day of early voting, I decided I would go ahead and get voting out of the way.  Of course my toddler was along for the ride.  Voting went much faster than I expected so we had some time to kill before church.  We went to McDonald's and had a fun last little girls outing.  Then we headed off to church.  I asked my friend/doula Susan if she could arrive at church early to work on the pressure points in my feet to see if we could encourage labor.  She quickly realized my ankles were very swollen.  She told me I should drink as much water as possible and text my midwife to let her know.  I did as I was told and by the end of church the swelling was starting to go down.  I stopped by the store on the way home to check my blood pressure and it was high but still within the normal range.  I talked to my midwife and we decided that since I wasn't having any other issues and I already had a prenatal scheduled for Thursday afternoon we could wait it out but she asked to move the appointment up to the morning just to be safe.  I was having contractions but that was nothing new so I just went about business as usual.  I put my daughter to bed, read my Bible, and then went to sleep myself.  The contractions were getting more uncomfortable but I was tired and just wanted to sleep.  This was around 11:30pm.  Every time I would have a contraction I would wake up and look at the clock.

Finally at 2am I realized I really wasn't getting much sleep and that I'd been looking at the clock every 6-7 minutes.  I decided it was time to get up and let my midwife know.  I called Elisha (my midwife) and Susan to let them know I thought I was in labor.  Even though I still thought it was pretty early I decided to have them come on over since I knew it would take my midwife at least an hour to get to me.  Of course this whole time I was on yahoo instant messenger with my husband.  We were both hoping I hadn't called them out in the middle of the night for a false alarm.  I had been having contractions since 33wks but these were definitely different.  We were hopeful but afraid to get our hopes up too high.

Susan arrived around 2:30am.  I was bouncing on my exercise ball in a dark living room on the computer with hubby.  We just sat around and talked.  She would rub my back through contractions.  We did a little bit of straightening up (I had big plans to clean Thursday morning and it was looking like that wasn't going to happen).  Elisha arrived around 3am.  She took my blood pressure which was still higher than we would like but still technically within a safe range.  She said we would just wait and see and try not to worry about it unless we had to.  So I just labored.  We all sat around in the dark.  I could not tolerate a sitting position during a contraction.  I would either kneel up against something or get on my hands and knees.

Finally around 5am I felt like the tub sounded good.  Elisha asked if I wanted to be checked before getting in and I did.  I was between 5-6cm and still seemed to be tolerating things well so Elisha suggested I hold off on the tub until things were a little harder because getting in the tub can slow things down.  I was okay with the suggestion and tried to stick it out a little longer.  I think I lasted about a half an hour before I decided I wanted in the tub (I had lost all sense of time at this point).  Honestly, I was hoping things would slow down a little bit.  My knees and legs were getting tired from me spending so much time either kneeling or up moving around.  The lack of sleep was also catching up to me.

I got in the much anticipated tub but it wasn't what I expected.  I loved it in between contractions.  I leaned over the side and it allowed me to float giving my knees and legs a break.  But during contractions I just didn't feel grounded enough.  I would end up standing up and bracing myself against the side.  I'm not sure how long I labored in the tub but looking back it probably wasn't very long.  I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom.  Before I got out of the tub, Elisha checked me and I was 8cm.  In the bathroom I was starting to fall apart a bit.  I was feeling exhausted and starting to think I couldn't make it.  Everyone kept telling me how great I was doing but I didn't feel like it.  I felt out of control.  I just couldn't figure out what position or location felt right and it was extremely frustrating.  Elisha had to convince me to leave the bathroom.  She asked if I wanted to get back in the tub but I didn't.  I was tired and wanted to lay down.  The problem?  Laying down was way too uncomfortable.  I went to my bedroom and moved around all over the bed.  I felt hysterical and hated feeling that way.  I'm such an internal person and it was hard to feel like I was being ridiculous and knowing others were watching me.  Of course I didn't know how fast I had progressed.

Somehow I ended back up out of bed and squatting beside it.  I desperately felt the need to go back to the bathroom but Elisha told me I needed to stay.  She calmly told me that the bathroom was too small and the reason I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom was because the baby's head was causing so much pressure.  She told me I was probably complete and ready to push.  She reassured me that she would lay pads under me in case I did go to the bathroom and that it would be okay.  She would keep everything clean and contained.  Since I was squatting beside the bed in a sort of cramped space she asked me to come to the foot of the bed where there was more room.  At first I told her I couldn't.  I stayed where I was a little longer and then managed to find the strength to move.  I kneeled at the foot of my bed for awhile.  I was squeezing Susan's arm, almost worried that I would hurt her.  At one point I almost bit her and somehow restrained myself.  Then it hit me, I realized I was pushing whether I was ready to or not.  The burning sensation was nearly unbearable.  I know I was yelling.  I felt like I was past the point of reasoning.  I kept saying I couldn't do it.  I think I pushed a few times while kneeling at the foot of the bed but didn't like it.  My knees and legs were still so tired and I didn't like the thought of my bed being all exposed.  I climbed into bed (the last place I expected to push my baby out) and laid down.  Pushing was a struggle for me because of how much it burned.  I knew I should pull my legs back to give the baby more room but they felt frozen in a straight position.  I was torn between what I knew I should do and what my body was doing without me.  I kept saying I couldn't do it and they kept telling me that I was.  We discussed it later and I think the consensus was that I only pushed about twenty minutes.  Then my beautiful baby girl was placed on my chest.  Less than seven hours after I realized I *might* be in labor.  I cried.  It was so surreal.

Honestly, it still is surreal.  Recovery was rough in the beginning.  My back was super sore and the after pains left me feeling like I was still in labor.  The best part is that I didn't need sutures.  I have a small first degree tear that Elisha said should heal just fine as long as I am careful to keep my legs together for the next few weeks.  Although we did recently discover I have two "stretch marks" that are causing a bit of discomfort.  One of the hardest parts has been having to avoid lifting my toddler.  For the most part she is quite independent but she's still little.  She can't get in and out of the tub by herself.  She's still in diapers.  And she absolutely loves her stationary jumper that she is not able to get in and out of by herself.  I try to limit lifting her but without hubby here it's inevitable.

Emotionally I'm a wreck.  The day I delivered we learned that hubby is no longer getting the paternity leave we were promised.  Honestly, I'm still processing what all that means.  I'm pretty much on the verge of tears all day long.  No fun and completely new to me.  After having my first daughter I just felt numb for months.  Now I feel like a disaster.  Everything really is different the second time around.

Overall it was the experience I wanted.  Things may not have gone the way I envisioned but it was so much better than being in the hospital and something I definitely will plan again, just not too soon.