I Surrender All

It's a new year.  Instead of resolutions I threw myself into working on multiple areas of my life.  Last year I tried to work on the same areas but tried to take baby steps in hopes of being successful.  This year it's all or nothing.  Things cannot continue the way they are.

For a little while now I've been struggling with anger issues.  I go from okay to raging like a flipped switch.  I say and do things I wholeheartedly regret.  I hurt those closest to me.  I've turned into the parent I never wanted to be.

Well this year I'm putting all that to an end.

I'm taking another step in my walk with God.  Last year I set a goal to read a chapter of my Bible every day.  I am happy to report I can count on one hand the number of days I missed or forgot.  This year I am continuing to read a chapter a day but I am also adding a chapter of Proverbs and Psalm a day as well as writing at least one verse from each chapter in a journal.  I'm so excited for the growth I know is to come.

I'm also working on truly surrendering every aspect of my life to God.  I've prayed things in the last few weeks that I never thought I would.  But I'm also feeling and sensing God in ways I never have before.  This life is not my own.  My children are not my own.  God is the Lord and creator of all and it is time to truly live that out in my day to day.  I am a masterpiece created by the most high God.  I have to stop taking his promises for granted.  I have to stop relying on my strength.  It will never be enough.  I am only as strong as my relationship to God.

In years past I've made a goal to read a book a month.  I have yet to succeed but I'm giving it another go.  Due to the anger issues I mentioned above and the desperation to change myself as a parent, the book I chose to read in January is Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.  So far I love it.  Instead of focusing on the child(ren), it focuses on what you should be doing as a parent and how to work on yourself.  It's exactly what I need.  I'm only in the first chapter and I already, with God's guidance and conviction, feel so empowered.

I got to chat with Emberlynn today and have given her permission to call me out if I start to yell or get physical with her.  I'm using the Orange Rhino Challenge as inspiration and that will be our safe word.  When I start to loose it, she is allowed to say Orange Rhino to me.  I can already tell there will be some adjusting.  We talked about how I'm no longer allowed to yell at her, smack her hand or spank her.  Those moments are times she needs to remind me Orange Rhino.  She's pushing to have time out prohibited as well.  For now it stays.  I will also be making a sticker chart.  Instead of it being a behavior chart for the kids, it will be a behavior chart for me.  If I do well at controlling my emotions for that day then I get a sticker.  The twist?  Emberlynn (and Zoe as she gets older) gets to decide if I've earned a sticker for that day.  I realize I must sound crazy.  Why would I give my child that kind of control over me?  It is an idea the book presents and for me it was instant love.  I do not believe my role as a parent is a dictatorship.  My children are not mine to control.  They were given to me as a gift.  I am responsible for being a vessel of God's love to them.  God does not beat us into submission.  He allows us to explore the full realm of our free will.  I am responsible for keeping my children safe, to ensure they feel loved and respected, and to let God guide their steps.  He created their individual purpose long before they began to grow inside me.  I do not want to get in His way.  As far as giving my children control, I don't believe I am.  Who is a better judge of if I am being a respectful parent than my children?  I'm simply giving them the say in their own lives that they need.  If they can't communicate to me when I am hurting them, emotionally or physically, how will they learn to communicate that to future friends or boyfriends?  I want them to feel secure in themselves enough to stick up for themselves when they are being mistreated, even by me.

I am so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning.  Today I am surrendering all.  Tomorrow I move forward in my journey.  I will make mistakes.  There will be days that Emberlynn doesn't feel like I've earned a sticker.  Those days will be teaching moments for our family.  We will learn from them and move on.  We will trust that God is in control.

ORC Progress Report

Yikes I can't believe another 30 days slipped by me.  I'm actually two days past the sixty day mark.  I have not begun a third Orange Rhino Challenge.

How am I doing?

Well things are stressful for us right now.  Stress can make you do crazy things.  Overall I feel like I'm still doing okay though.  There is still work to be done but I can feel a change in myself.  Even when I do yell (just being honest, it still happens) I don't feel as out of control.  We're still working on getting back on track with discipline.  I'm trying to finish the current book I'm reading before we set up any new plans.  I know we will be implementing family meetings.  Punitive time out will become positive time out.  And I'm sure as I continue to read my book I will realize other changes that need to be made.  I still believe in positive discipline and feel it is the best path for our family.  I just want to have a better grasp on things before we start making changes.  For now I will continue to work on not yelling at my children and making small changes in how I talk to them and what words I choose when correcting them or teaching them.  Parenting is a fun ride isn't it?

ORC Progress Report

My goal for this 60 day challenge was to post every ten days but obviously that has not been the case. Today is actually day 30.  Half way.  Doesn't even remotely seem possible.  Time has been flying by it seems.  I can feel myself finding a new rhythm that doesn't involve yelling.  I still raise my voice at times but I didn't expect for that to end.  My goal was for the crazy, angry, temper-tantrum (yes I'm talking about me and not the children) like yelling to end and so far I'm feeling pretty good with things.

Right now our family feels a bit in limbo.  We've gotten off track as far as discipline goes.  Right now we're trying to find our path again.  It's a little overwhelming to change something as drastic as the way you discipline your children but we know that our family will be better for it in the long run.  We have to stop focusing on the frustrations of now and look ahead to the young ladies we see our daughters becoming.  It's exciting and terrifying.  The joys of parenthood, right?!

Hopefully I will be more faithful in the second 30 days than I was in the first 30 days.

A new ORC Challenge

That's right folks.  Yesterday was the end of my 30 day Orange Rhino Challenge and so today was the beginning of my 60 day Orange Rhino Challenge.  Today was stressful I overall I think I did well.  Hubby is out of town for a bit so we'll see how this all plays out.  I can tell such a difference in my girls, especially my three year old, when I stay calm.  I know with God I can make this change.  Thank you all for your prayer, love, support and encouragement.

ORC Progress Report...Day 30, Now what?

Yes today is Day 30 of 30.  I missed the Day 24 progress report.  I'm sorry about that.  Time got away from me.

I can't believe it's been 30 days.  Things started so well and to be honest just after the half way point things fell apart.  I had some major meltdowns.  I'll be real, I had a couple of toddler worthy tantrums.  Life and stress got the best of me.  I got distracted and forgot to lean on God.  That right there has disaster written all over it.  I'm not pleased with how a good portion of those 30 days but I am pleased with the challenge as a whole.  I'll tell you why.

This challenge has reignited a passion within me.  Growing up with parents whose discipline techniques were quite different from each other, my goal before becoming a parent was to find the middle ground.  To discipline my children but to do so in a calm, respectful, non-punitive way.  Well then I had children and while I knew my goal was attainable and worthy of my best effort, I lost my way.  The tears are building as I write this.  It's hard to be this honest in such a public way.  Anyways, I gave in to peer pressure and expectations and forgot to trust in my instincts.  I wasn't focused on God and I'm still feeling the aftermath of that dark time.  Finally taking a stand and taking on this challenge reminded me of so many important things.  I serve a big God full of mercy, grace and forgiveness.  I am a good mother.  I have been blessed beyond measure.  And my joy does not come from my circumstances but from my heavenly Father.  Yes I made mistakes but I made the effort.  When I did yell I came back and apologized as soon as I was calm.  There were still many moments when I restrained from yelling and that's a big deal to me.

So 30 days came and went.  I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.  However, my journey is not done.  Tomorrow begins a new challenge and I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me this time.  I want to thank everyone for their love and support.  Please keep my family in your prayers.

ORC Progress Report

I am over halfway now.  I can't believe it is May already.  April flew by it seems.  I'm still having more outbursts than I would like but it's called a challenge for a reason right?!  This post was supposed to be written yesterday but the day got away from me.

I don't have anything inspirational to share.  It's been kind of a chaotic week and May is quickly turning into a very busy month.  Almost every weekend is booked with multiple events.  Hubby will have to go to DC to training at some point this month.  I'll be on my own with the girls for ten days which I'm sure will be quite a test.

All in all, I'm hanging in there.  Walking this journey is opening my eyes to other areas of my life that need work.  God is really stirring something inside of me I just don't know what yet.  I'm excited to see what he has in store but trying to hold steady in the now.  I want to thank all of you for the support and encouragement I have received.  I was afraid to share this journey with anyone because I feared criticism and ridicule.  I thank God that I have not encountered any negativity regarding this challenge.  His hand is most definitely on me.  Here's to finishing strong and then moving into a new sixty day challenge.

Day 19 of 30

ORC Progress Report

I wish I could say these last six days were as great as the first.  They definitely have not been.  It's been a struggle.  I've had moments of anger that got the best of me.  I've tried to apologize and move on knowing that any progress is a success.  However, yesterday God spoke to me.

The military wives Bible study I am part of is currently working through Your Beautiful Purpose by Susie Larson.  As I read Chapter 3 and worked through the study questions I was instructed to write all of my cares on a piece of paper, prayerfully turn them over to the Lord and then burn the paper.  Let's just say it was a long list.  I was writing out all of my frustrations and struggles as a parent and as I wrote "not being listened to" I felt a quickening in my heart.  I could hear God say "And how is that different from what you do?"

It's so true.  I am a child of God.  He is my heavenly father.  He is constantly speaking to me, instructing me, guiding me and lovingly disciplining me.  There are times I don't listen.  I don't follow His instruction.  I do what I want to do.  It doesn't matter why, the point is that I do.  Just like my own children are driven by their instinct to explore and test boundaries.  The difference is when I act out or go my own way, God doesn't lash out at me.  He patiently and lovingly corrects me and guides me or waits with open arms until I am ready to get back on track.

I need to parent more like God parents me.  I don't know why this had never crossed my mind before.  But today is a new day, a day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.  I will keep my focus on God.  My children need to be able to feel God through my words and actions.

And then this morning I couldn't fall back to sleep after nursing the baby so at 5:30am I decided to get up and do my Holy Yoga.  Oh what a wonderful decision that was.  The meditation I felt led to choose today was titled Perfection.  The verse used was Hebrews 10:17 from The Message version.  It says: It was a perfect sacrifice by a perfect person to perfect some very imperfect people.  The point of the teaching was that instead of striving for perfection, we should strive for connection to the One who is perfect.  Our Savior.  He doesn't want us to be perfect for the sake of our own fulfillment.  He wants us to be in an intimate relationship with Him so that His perfection can pour down on us and through us into others.  He wants to see us live and walk His will and plan for our lives.

I know today that mistakes will happen.  My beautiful young daughters will test me.  They will do things, or not do things, and I will be tempted to get angry or yell.  I need to take each mistake as an opportunity to learn.  For all of us to learn.  I need to be slow to anger and be mindful of the words coming out of my mouth and be sensitive to the moments when I should just be quiet.

Here's to taking the rest of this journey one moment at a time.  Almost halfway and this journey has already been one of the most rewarding of my life.  It was God's timing and calling to walk this journey.  There is no reason to walk it by myself.

Day 12 of 30

ORC Progress Report

As I'm typing this I am sitting in the wee hours of day 6 of the Orange Rhino Challenge.  Both of my precious girls are still sleeping.  Our day has yet to begin.  Although the toddler was up multiple times last night so I'm not sure yesterday ever ended.

Overall this challenge has not been as difficult as I expected.  I give all thanks to God.  I have felt his hand on me through these last six days in a way I've never felt before.  Anytime something happens that would normally send me straight into yelling I hear him whisper in my spirit, "Take a breath.  You can do it."  I pray thanks to Him daily for the peace and self control He has blessed me with during this challenge.

Now that doesn't mean I haven't messed up.  God may be doing wonderful things through me but alas I am still human.  Yesterday was a recipe for disaster.  Overall we had an amazing day as a family but we went shopping for me an Easter outfit.  Honestly, shopping for myself goes so much better without the little ones in tow.  It's probably why it doesn't happen often.  Anyways, I was in the dressing rules and the girls were running around all the other dressing rooms and periodically busting in on me (yay for a door with a broken lock).  I stayed much calmer than I normally would but after them slamming doors over and over again after being politely asked not to, I snapped a little.  I didn't go all out and yell but my voice was a little louder and more agitated than my normal "firm" voice.  At first I was a little disappointed in myself but then I looked at the big picture.  I still didn't go into my crazy yell mode.  The rest of the day was a very nice day despite neither girl getting a good nap.

One little slip in the first six days?  I'll take it and learn from it.  I am still so very thankful to feel God's hand upon me as I make this change.

I've decided to take on the Orange Rhino Challenge.

What's that you say?  Read about it here and here.  You can read about the inspiration for the name here.

It boils down to a challenge to stop yelling at your children.  Why would I want to go and do something like that?

I've found myself in a tricky spot.  I set out to be a "positive discipline" parent.  I desire to treat my children as the special, little human being they are while disciplining them in a respectful way.  God gave me these precious blessings for a reason.  I want to build them up and instill in them self confidence and the firm belief that they can master anything with God.  Screaming and yelling at them completely contradicts my goals and desires as a mother.  Yelling at them is disrespectful and honestly quite ineffective as a form of discipline.  I've been on the receiving end of a parent that yells.  I can assure you that if my daughters are anything like myself, they are not truly listening while I am exhausting myself yelling at them.  They are processing their hurt, wondering why a parent who loves them would talk to them this way, and preparing for some kind of retaliation.  I can pride myself for not saying hurtful things to them while I am yelling but the act of yelling itself is still hurtful.  I do NOT want that kind of relationship with my children, now or ever.

I believe that we must treat our children in a respectful way if we expect them to respect us.  I'm not saying children shouldn't be disciplined.  I'm not saying children should be allowed to run completely free without restraint or boundaries.  I'm simply striving to internalize and live the verses James 1:19-20, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."  If I'm yelling it is because I am angry.  If I'm yelling I am not listening to God or my children.  My children have their own perspectives that deserve to be heard.  If I'm yelling I am not taking to time to think through the words coming out of my mouth.  It's not easy to admit but it's the truth.

So today I am taking a step of faith to restore my outlook on parenting.  The woman behind the Orange Rhino Challenge chose a goal of 365 days of no yelling.  I have prayerfully decided on 30 days.  It is long enough to push myself and to make this a "habit".  Of course once the 30 days are over I plan to set a new goal but this is the beginning of something great in my life and in my family.  I will be keeping a personal journal during this journey and plan to do weekly check-ins here on the blog.  Prayers are much appreciated as I'm sure this journey will have it's trials.  It is called a "challenge" after all.

Day 1 of 30.